Royal Pain in my Butt

I’m beginning to get a little miffed at the “Why the fuck would you want to watch the royal wedding?” conversation happening both in person and on the internet, mainly with men in either arena. Numero uno, I’m getting the impression that approximately all% of the disgust is due to the fact that weddings are girl stuff and girl stuff is dumb. And then there’s also this idea that, on top of that, wanting to watch something nice, or at the very least unedifying is something you should feel shame for.

Ladies, grab your scalpels! Let’s dissect these two ideas like a fetal pig.

1. Weddings are lady stuff, sure, whatever, you’re a jerk. It’s not even legal for two ladies to get married in most places in this country, which means the vast majority of weddings going down are half man and those men are at least peripherally (and most of the time very) involved in planning those weddings. And while the Groomzilla is not a phenomenon necessitating a TV series, I think hating on women who are obsessed with weddings is kind of like a cultural game of “Quit hitting yourself.” From the time a girl exits the womb she’s lead to believe her wedding is going to be the best day of her life, but then she’s stupid for being interested in something so vapid? Farts on that. I’m also pooping directly on the idea the reason why women are interested in this wedding is because kisses and love and dresses and princes and fairies. Yes, of course, that factors in for some people, but you know what else? The next dot in a millennium-long timeline of British history being played out on morning television. Also, the inside of Westminster Abbey, which I have never visited and likely never will. Just because ladies are watching and you think weddings are lady stuff doesn't mean that's why they're watching, assfaces.

2. The kind of person who makes you feel stupid for watching the royal wedding is probably also the kind of person who, whenever ANY SINGLE THING is in the news that they don’t like, makes a joke like geez guys, also, there’s stuff going on in Libya. This is the kind of person who only likes “good” things, and “good” things are only things they like. Why do I want to watch the royal wedding? Because my mom told me about getting up early to watch Princess Diana get married and I thought it would be cool to kind of continue the tradition of wedding watching. Because I was born three months after Prince William and he has been my age and in the news literally my entire life and it’s satisfying to watch his narrative play out. Because I work in an office every day and some days are bad and maybe I’d like to go to work having just watched two people who like each other get married. Because fuck you? Also because shut up. It’s okay for people to watch things that aren’t documentaries about fonts. Or like, documentaries about how documentaries about fonts are stupid.

Also, I really like this piece by Simon Doonan. Also, because of this piece, I want to start a band called Pneumatic Boobs.

The Ghost Adventures Drinking Game

I didn’t play a game of flip cup until I was 25. I hadn’t even heard of Kings until I was 28. The artful dodgery of procuring booze seemed game enough to me when I was under 21, and thereafter the puzzle of getting to singing-Heart-songs-on-the-street drunk with nothing but $10 was plenty.

Until Netflix put up all four seasons of Ghost Adventures.

Have you ever had to tell a true story that was so unbelievably perfect people thought you were making it up? That is Ghost Adventures. Every terrible detail is so chock full of terribleness I would not be entirely surprised if the “ghosts” they capture on video during their final episode are Andy Samberg and some laser cats and all of 4Chan and J.T. LeRoy. Zak Bagans, an Ed Hardy wearing former wedding DJ with so much product in his hair he looks like a brunette Max Headroom, and his associates Kevin (guy whose cellphone n00dz you can immediately picture) and Aaron (guy who spent most of his childhood yelling “C’mon guys! Wait UP!”) are a paranormal investigative team who travel around spending the night in different haunted locations. Where most other television paranormal investigators aim to debunk, these guys have guzzled the spectral Kool-aid. There are so many ghosts, dudes. Like, just all over the place, all the time. And the Ghost Adventurers are so completely not even scared of them at all!

Just because Ghost Adventures is a total fart of a show The Travel Channel squeaked quietly into our airwaves doesn’t mean it can’t have a purpose. And that purpose should be a drinking game, devised by yours truly and tested by a bunch of my friends. Add this show to your queue, grab some silver bullets (clearly the most paranormal of beers) and let’s play...

THE GHOST ADVENTURES DRINKING GAME

1. Drink whenever you see a mustachioed local.
The preamble portion of the show (prior to the night vision Blair Witch extravaganza they call “lockdown") involves talking to a bunch of locals, usually dudes, usually mildly to moderately grizzled, usually admitting they're creeped out about the abandoned asylum/arms factory/lighthouse. Drink to their facial hair.

2. Drink whenever there's an old newspaper clipping.
Because everyone knows ghosts fucking love microfiche.

3. Drink whenever you see a man ring.

Zak is partial to the occasional bold accessory, cuz every ghost's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man. Feel free to alter this as you see fit -- necklace on black cord, offensive belt buckle, anything with a Celtic cross on it, etc.

4. Drink whenever they say static night vision camera.
Static night vision camera, also known as a camera on a tripod they pointed at a hallway and left rolling because ghosts fucking love unattended electronics.

5. Drink whenever they say orb.
Known to you or I as dust and gnats, Zak and crew meticulously document any illuminated particle in their field of vision because a ghost is a ghost, no matter how small.

6. Drink whenever Zak says demon or demonic.
Demonic. Demonic. Put your ghosts all over my body.





7. Drink whenever there's an EMF spike.
Because ghosts are "known to be made up of electromagnetic energy." Because A) ghosts exist, duh, and B) nothing else in the universe will register on an EMF detector besides a ghost. Also, ghosts fucking love the song "Unbelievable."








8. Drink whenever the equipment malfunctions.
The cameras routinely go dark on this show, and it's definitely paranormal and not at all because these guys aren't very good with cameras.

9. Drink whenever they present incredibly dubious visual evidence of ghosts.
This is reserved for the slow-mo video or photograph with an arrow pointing to literally nothing.

10. Drink whenever Zak taunts a ghost.
Zak seems to operate with the assumption that all ghost interactions can best be resolved by a Jersey Shore style club brawl.

11. Chug through E.V.P. replays.
The investigators rely heavily on "electronic voice phenomenon," the secret ghost messages found in white noise. When the investigators capture an E.V.P., they will replay the sound bite a few times with a caption. Do not put your beer down until they've stopped looping the ghost whispering his message (usually something like "murder," which usually sounds more like "pudding," or Aaron tripping over something, or wind, or nothing.)



(And just because I found this and can't stop looking at it...)