Royal Pain in my Butt
Ladies, grab your scalpels! Let’s dissect these two ideas like a fetal pig.
1. Weddings are lady stuff, sure, whatever, you’re a jerk. It’s not even legal for two ladies to get married in most places in this country, which means the vast majority of weddings going down are half man and those men are at least peripherally (and most of the time very) involved in planning those weddings. And while the Groomzilla is not a phenomenon necessitating a TV series, I think hating on women who are obsessed with weddings is kind of like a cultural game of “Quit hitting yourself.” From the time a girl exits the womb she’s lead to believe her wedding is going to be the best day of her life, but then she’s stupid for being interested in something so vapid? Farts on that. I’m also pooping directly on the idea the reason why women are interested in this wedding is because kisses and love and dresses and princes and fairies. Yes, of course, that factors in for some people, but you know what else? The next dot in a millennium-long timeline of British history being played out on morning television. Also, the inside of Westminster Abbey, which I have never visited and likely never will. Just because ladies are watching and you think weddings are lady stuff doesn't mean that's why they're watching, assfaces.
2. The kind of person who makes you feel stupid for watching the royal wedding is probably also the kind of person who, whenever ANY SINGLE THING is in the news that they don’t like, makes a joke like geez guys, also, there’s stuff going on in Libya. This is the kind of person who only likes “good” things, and “good” things are only things they like. Why do I want to watch the royal wedding? Because my mom told me about getting up early to watch Princess Diana get married and I thought it would be cool to kind of continue the tradition of wedding watching. Because I was born three months after Prince William and he has been my age and in the news literally my entire life and it’s satisfying to watch his narrative play out. Because I work in an office every day and some days are bad and maybe I’d like to go to work having just watched two people who like each other get married. Because fuck you? Also because shut up. It’s okay for people to watch things that aren’t documentaries about fonts. Or like, documentaries about how documentaries about fonts are stupid.
Also, I really like this piece by Simon Doonan. Also, because of this piece, I want to start a band called Pneumatic Boobs.