Friday, April 29, 2011

Royal Pain in my Butt

I’m beginning to get a little miffed at the “Why the fuck would you want to watch the royal wedding?” conversation happening both in person and on the internet, mainly with men in either arena. Numero uno, I’m getting the impression that approximately all% of the disgust is due to the fact that weddings are girl stuff and girl stuff is dumb. And then there’s also this idea that, on top of that, wanting to watch something nice, or at the very least unedifying is something you should feel shame for.

Ladies, grab your scalpels! Let’s dissect these two ideas like a fetal pig.

1. Weddings are lady stuff, sure, whatever, you’re a jerk. It’s not even legal for two ladies to get married in most places in this country, which means the vast majority of weddings going down are half man and those men are at least peripherally (and most of the time very) involved in planning those weddings. And while the Groomzilla is not a phenomenon necessitating a TV series, I think hating on women who are obsessed with weddings is kind of like a cultural game of “Quit hitting yourself.” From the time a girl exits the womb she’s lead to believe her wedding is going to be the best day of her life, but then she’s stupid for being interested in something so vapid? Farts on that. I’m also pooping directly on the idea the reason why women are interested in this wedding is because kisses and love and dresses and princes and fairies. Yes, of course, that factors in for some people, but you know what else? The next dot in a millennium-long timeline of British history being played out on morning television. Also, the inside of Westminster Abbey, which I have never visited and likely never will. Just because ladies are watching and you think weddings are lady stuff doesn't mean that's why they're watching, assfaces.

2. The kind of person who makes you feel stupid for watching the royal wedding is probably also the kind of person who, whenever ANY SINGLE THING is in the news that they don’t like, makes a joke like geez guys, also, there’s stuff going on in Libya. This is the kind of person who only likes “good” things, and “good” things are only things they like. Why do I want to watch the royal wedding? Because my mom told me about getting up early to watch Princess Diana get married and I thought it would be cool to kind of continue the tradition of wedding watching. Because I was born three months after Prince William and he has been my age and in the news literally my entire life and it’s satisfying to watch his narrative play out. Because I work in an office every day and some days are bad and maybe I’d like to go to work having just watched two people who like each other get married. Because fuck you? Also because shut up. It’s okay for people to watch things that aren’t documentaries about fonts. Or like, documentaries about how documentaries about fonts are stupid.

Also, I really like this piece by Simon Doonan. Also, because of this piece, I want to start a band called Pneumatic Boobs.


Blogger Sarah Brown said...

This is like people who get mad if you want to celebrate a holiday like New Year's or Valentine's Day. Any excuse to have just Not Another Day is fine with me, man. I like a little fun. It doesn't mean the world is going to end or I can't be trusted to make decisions for myself.

1:37 PM  
Blogger zan said...

Yes. YES. Especially the part about narrative. How could we deny ourselves the chance to read the next chapter of this riveting story, whether you like the characters or not? That would just be masochistic.

3:06 PM  
Blogger Kathy said...

EXACTLY. I mean, I don't ever even have a chance to do anything formal enough to require me to get my clothes dry cleaned. Why not watch something that requires MILLINERY?

5:27 PM  
Anonymous Paula said...

People don't come much more anti-monarchy than me (with the grandparents who left Ireland with prices on BOTH their heads!) but as you point out, this event is actual, literal history in the making.

So I propose everyone who watched or read about the royal wedding examine the rationality of men watching sports on TV. Not just the Super Bowl or the last game of the (not so) World Series, but any sporting event.

The royals (annoying and inbred as they are) are living their actual lives, with meaningful consequences for all involved. Sports? Adult men getting paid large sums of money to play a game. Chasing a little ball around on a field of grass while other men blow whistles when someone makes a mistake. Yeah. Right.

What percentage of men watching the game do you think can actually run a quarter mile without falling over? 15%? 20%? And how many spectators have ever even played football, apart from pick-up touch football in high school or college or the exercise yard at the Graybar Hotel? 8%? Heck, I'll give you 15%! But there they all are, screaming at their non-interactive televisions, instructing the coaches on what the next play should be. THAT makes sense.

10:29 PM  
Blogger Kathy said...

Exactly, Paula! I used the World Cup as an example a few times -- I really have zero interest in the World Cup. I also think that a lot of American World Cup watchers (though not all) have only the most passing of interest in the games. Just because men (again, generalization for the purpose of argument) enjoy watching the World Cup and do not enjoy watching the wedding does not make either a more valid experience. They're both just bullet points for Wikipedia articles.

5:29 AM  

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