Thursday, April 14, 2011

The Ghost Adventures Drinking Game

I didn’t play a game of flip cup until I was 25. I hadn’t even heard of Kings until I was 28. The artful dodgery of procuring booze seemed game enough to me when I was under 21, and thereafter the puzzle of getting to singing-Heart-songs-on-the-street drunk with nothing but $10 was plenty.

Until Netflix put up all four seasons of Ghost Adventures.

Have you ever had to tell a true story that was so unbelievably perfect people thought you were making it up? That is Ghost Adventures. Every terrible detail is so chock full of terribleness I would not be entirely surprised if the “ghosts” they capture on video during their final episode are Andy Samberg and some laser cats and all of 4Chan and J.T. LeRoy. Zak Bagans, an Ed Hardy wearing former wedding DJ with so much product in his hair he looks like a brunette Max Headroom, and his associates Kevin (guy whose cellphone n00dz you can immediately picture) and Aaron (guy who spent most of his childhood yelling “C’mon guys! Wait UP!”) are a paranormal investigative team who travel around spending the night in different haunted locations. Where most other television paranormal investigators aim to debunk, these guys have guzzled the spectral Kool-aid. There are so many ghosts, dudes. Like, just all over the place, all the time. And the Ghost Adventurers are so completely not even scared of them at all!

Just because Ghost Adventures is a total fart of a show The Travel Channel squeaked quietly into our airwaves doesn’t mean it can’t have a purpose. And that purpose should be a drinking game, devised by yours truly and tested by a bunch of my friends. Add this show to your queue, grab some silver bullets (clearly the most paranormal of beers) and let’s play...


1. Drink whenever you see a mustachioed local.
The preamble portion of the show (prior to the night vision Blair Witch extravaganza they call “lockdown") involves talking to a bunch of locals, usually dudes, usually mildly to moderately grizzled, usually admitting they're creeped out about the abandoned asylum/arms factory/lighthouse. Drink to their facial hair.

2. Drink whenever there's an old newspaper clipping.
Because everyone knows ghosts fucking love microfiche.

3. Drink whenever you see a man ring.

Zak is partial to the occasional bold accessory, cuz every ghost's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man. Feel free to alter this as you see fit -- necklace on black cord, offensive belt buckle, anything with a Celtic cross on it, etc.

4. Drink whenever they say static night vision camera.
Static night vision camera, also known as a camera on a tripod they pointed at a hallway and left rolling because ghosts fucking love unattended electronics.

5. Drink whenever they say orb.
Known to you or I as dust and gnats, Zak and crew meticulously document any illuminated particle in their field of vision because a ghost is a ghost, no matter how small.

6. Drink whenever Zak says demon or demonic.
Demonic. Demonic. Put your ghosts all over my body.

7. Drink whenever there's an EMF spike.

Because ghosts are "known to be made up of electromagnetic energy." Because A) ghosts exist, duh, and B) nothing else in the universe will register on an EMF detector besides a ghost. Also, ghosts fucking love the song "Unbelievable."

8. Drink whenever the equipment malfunctions.

The cameras routinely go dark on this show, and it's definitely paranormal and not at all because these guys aren't very good with cameras.

9. Drink whenever they present incredibly dubious visual evidence of ghosts.
This is reserved for the slow-mo video or photograph with an arrow pointing to literally nothing.

10. Drink whenever Zak taunts a ghost.
Zak seems to operate with the assumption that all ghost interactions can best be resolved by a Jersey Shore style club brawl.

11. Chug through E.V.P. replays.
The investigators rely heavily on "electronic voice phenomenon," the secret ghost messages found in white noise. When the investigators capture an E.V.P., they will replay the sound bite a few times with a caption. Do not put your beer down until they've stopped looping the ghost whispering his message (usually something like "murder," which usually sounds more like "pudding," or Aaron tripping over something, or wind, or nothing.)

(And just because I found this and can't stop looking at it...)


Blogger Sarah Brown said...

Oh wow, I've never seen this, but I have logged many an hour with Ghost Hunters. Added to queue.

1:38 PM  
Blogger Kathy said...

I've watched a buttload of Ghost Hunters myself, and for every time those dudes have been like "Uh, your rattling pipes aren't ghosts, it's your crappy boiler," the Ghost Adventures guys think they are actually demonically possessed. It's RIDICULOUS.

2:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This makes me so happy. You are awesome. I love yelling at this show so much! Especially because the lead guy has NO SENSE OF HUMOR AT ALL GHOST ARE SERIOUS BIZNESS.

9:43 AM  
Anonymous jdg said...

my favorite Zak Bagans moment was when he was in this house where the ghost supposedly "didn't like anybody with tattoos" so he TOOK HIS SHIRT OFF and revealed his Situation-al abs and WINGED GRIM REAPER NECK/BACK TAT. Then he was all, "Look at my badass tattoo, ghost. I'll bet you like it, huh? huh? huh?" I was dying.

8:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

GADG is pure genius. My 12 year-old daughter LOVES this show. She & her friends even bought the t-shirt. (And she wonders why middle school is so painful.) Thanks to you, she gets to watch the show (in our presence) and we can get our drink on. I call that a win-win.

2:23 PM  
Blogger Katie said...

Ghost Adventures is my absolute favorite show for these reasons you have just mentioned. I actually just finished up a post of my own about the same topic, and am happy to know that someone else watches this show purely to here Zak call things "dark" over and over again.

8:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

haha. Love what you wrote. I also love this show for reasons that do not pertain to ghosts. It's so damn entertaining and it makes this old but not yet dead woman LMAO. I also just posted on FB that I should eat more peach cobbler before bed because I just had the greatest dream about Zak Bagans. And I love it and almost fall out of my rocker when the cameraman's eyes almost pop out as he says, "Whoa Dude!"

10:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Zak i wacth your Ghost Adventures TV Show I love it

5:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Zak Do you have Sktpe?

5:46 PM  

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