Thursday, March 03, 2011

South Dakota, Have I Got the Bill For You!

South Dakota continues its war on reproductive freedom today, as both its House and Senate have passed a bill that requires women to wait 72 hours before having an abortion and to seek counseling at a “crisis pregnancy center.” These are the same centers required by a recently passed New York City bill to accurately label themselves as propaganda pushing organizations with an exclusively pro-life view, not full service medical clinics.

If South Dakota has decided it is in the business of passing reproductive laws even slightly colored by God and His Will and His Feelings About Your Uterine Contents, then South Dakota should be regulating all medications and procedures that interfere with reproduction. Lucky for South Dakota, I’ve caught a grave oversight in their reproductive bill! So, lest the Lord bring down His Wrath upon their heads, I would hereby like to introduce:

The Male Reproductive Medical Non-Interference Bill

Whereas South Dakota has decided that God determines where and when life begins, regardless of the desires of the female vessel in which it incubates, South Dakota must also recognize those instances where and when God has determined life should not begin. Erectile dysfunction medications such as Viagra and Cialis may facilitate the beginning of life in situations where God’s will did not permit reproductive tumescence.

The Male Reproductive Medical Non-Interference Bill will ensure total submission to God’s plan. According to this bill, any male afflicted with Intelligent Flaccidity (previously known as erectile dysfunction) must wait 72 hours from the point at which he would ingest a reproduction-altering drug and seek counseling before he may receive such a prescription. For example, if an Intelligently Flaccid man, perhaps after a few drinks on a Saturday night, finds himself desiring to copulate with a woman despite God’s decision that he should not be able to reproduce with her, he must immediately report to a doctor.

Please note, it is a doctor’s right to refuse to prescribe reproduction-altering drugs to the Intelligently Flaccid on the basis of his or her beliefs.

That doctor would then issue a prescription after a 72-hour waiting period, provided the I.F. man could provide proof he had received counseling at a Crisis Male Reproduction Center. Here, the I.F. man could be appraised of all his options, including adoption, frustration, praying, and ceasing his whining. He may then fill his prescription for reproduction-altering drugs at a pharmacy.

Please note, it is a pharmacist’s right to refuse to fill any prescription for reproduction-altering drugs to the Intelligently Flaccid on the basis of his or her beliefs.

Only then could the I.F. man ingest a reproduction-altering drug and copulate with the woman from at least 72 hours earlier. The 72-hour waiting period has the added benefit of permitting the woman to reconsider her part in denying God's will as well.

Further, the Male Reproductive Medical Non-Interference Bill would prohibit use of state funds to pay for reproduction-altering drugs, and state funds would not be given to any organization that prescribed, distributed, or defrayed the cost of reproduction-altering drugs.

Amen.

6 Comments:

Blogger Kelly said...

I just want you to know that I'm writing your name in on my next ballot.

7:14 PM  
Blogger You can call me, 'Sir' said...

This might be the best thing ever written about the complicated relationship between erectile dysfunction and The Holy Spirit. You should consider nailing this to the door of a German church.

10:20 PM  
Blogger missris said...

This is pretty much amazing. I'd vote for it!

5:26 PM  
Anonymous Mary Perpich said...

Being a pro-choice South Dakotan Who is still battling this bill, I think our legislators should read this. Only problem is they can't read and they can't think and they don't care about a woman's right to control over her body. Oh and they don't understand irony. This post is amazing.

6:42 PM  
Anonymous Kathy said...

Keep at it, Mary! All the digital high fives in the world for your diligence.

12:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wait! You forgot an important element in your otherwise brilliant legislation. The male in question must be married because God forbids fornication (i.e. sexual relations outside the bounds of holy matrimony). If the male in question cannot provide a copy of his marriage license and will not swear that the object of his semi-flaccid attentions is not his wife, no such prescription will be issued.

P.S. I don't miss the office, but I do miss you! :-) pmc

3:53 PM  

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