Wednesday, March 16, 2011

100 Greatest Times I Gave My Computer the Finger

The practically perfect in every way Tiger Beatdown linked to this list of the 100 Greatest Female Characters in film history.

I’d like to air some grievances.

1. There are eight child roles included on this list. Drew Barrymore as Gertie in E.T.? Really? One of the hundred best female characters ever committed to film? Among the notable omissions from this subset of this stupid list is Jodie Foster as Iris in Taxi Driver. They even use her as a reference to justify including Natalie Portman as Matilda in The Professional. Also, just for a sec, I’d like us to take a second to wonder to know how many child roles would be included on a list of 100 Greatest Male Characters in film history.

2. Or, for that matter, how many sex workers. This list has four, including, inexplicably, Rose McGowan as Cherry Darling in Planet Terror.

3. Or, once again, how many of the 100 Greatest Male Characters would be cartoons. There are six on this list. Six. In fact, Lady (as in “and the Tramp”) beats Scarlett O’Hara.

4. Here’s one giant fuck you for including Audrey 2 at number 86. This is a plant. Voiced by a man. Fuck you.

5. Another fuck you? Zooey Deschanel as Summer Finn in 500 Days of Summer. TO QUOTE DIRECTLY: “Director Mark Webb intentionally made Summer a man's-eye view of the perfect girlfriend, but that's not exactly difficult when Deschanel is so adorable.” Fuck you.

6. I’d have to go back again to make sure that I’m right about this, but I think the only characters of color on this whole list are both played by Pam Grier, once in her role as Coffy and once as Jackie Brown.

I realize the futility of trying to put together these top lists of 100 anythings, and the stupidity of this endeavor in particular as it is a vague amalgam of character and actor playing that character and quality of the film in which that character appears. But this list is literally the worst. I mean, it is so bad I want to write eight or nine theses about gender and film studies right now and nail them to the Door of The House of Internet Jerkbags Who Make Misogynist Lists. One would be about how this list, not including the children and cartoons, but actually sort of including the children and cartoons, is basically a list of the characters on film that manage to not let being interesting get in the way of the very important job of being pretty. Then I would like wing DVDs of the following films directly at the author's forehead:

1. Precious (for Gabourey Sidibe as Precious)
2. Norma Rae (for Sally Field as Norma Rae Webster)
3. Harold and Maude (for Ruth Gordon as Maude)
4. Monster (for Charlize Theron as Aileen Wuernos)
5. Welcome to the Dollhouse (for Heather Matarazzo as Dawn Wiener)
6. Wendy and Lucy (for Michelle Williams as Wendy)
7. The Color Purple (for Whoopi Goldberg as Celie and Oprah Winfrey as Sofia)

And, I mean, those are just off the top of my head and I am not a film critic and my knowledge is hardly encyclopedic and I really only enjoy horror movies and indie films and anything involving a mental institution and oh my god, I am choking on my rage, or coffee, or whatever, I am sputtering and I should stop doing that lest I not make it onto the list of 100 Most Attractive People Ever To Write Blogs About How They Are Mad About Something.
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