Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Boy Oh Boy Oh Boy

Let’s get adolescent for a minute.

I've never been a girl who wrote about guys because I never actually had anything to say about guys, and that's because I’ve never been the kind of girl who guys paid attention to. This isn’t, like, me trying to wangle an emotional pity fuck from the entire internet—it’s just a straight-up fact that boys didn’t Talk to me with a capital T until last year and I know that this has a lot to do with the way I looked. Aside from the extra eighty pounds I was ever so gracefully carting around my midsection like the world's least appealing tutu, I made a lot of bad decisions. With regard to my head. While packing some shit into boxes the other night I found a disk of old pictures from my freshman and sophomore years of college and Christ, it was just like yelling at the screen when Buffalo Bill shuts off the lights and has his hand right next to Jodie Foster’s face. HE’S RIGHT THERE!

Or, in my case: EYEBROWS! YOU SHOULD HAVE TWO! Or: YOUR HAIRSTYLE IS WALKING THE VERY FUCKING THIN LINE BETWEEN HIPPIE AND SISTER-WIFE!

But, anyway, the last year has been really different and not always in a good way, but different in and of itself is sometimes good enough. Case in point: last night Jes and I went out for our usual Tuesday night beery bro-down and after our first round the bartender came over. “Someone wants to buy you guys drinks,” he said. “Who is it?” I asked. “Jesus Christ,” he said. “Now what do you want?”

We accepted the drinks because, you know, we’re broke (and apparently too weirded out by the Cary Grantishness of the move to think to order anything better than the same crappy Black Label/Evan Williams combo we usually get). We drank them braced for awkward conversation, but it never came. No one ever claimed the mystery drinks. I had my suspicion it was two guys lurking from the other side of the bar, but they put their coats on and left before the bartender had even set down our drinks. So, if it was them, that was the stupidest investment ever made.

Someone did come over and talk to Jes a little later, but he was definitely just talking to Jes and it would’ve been weird for that guy to have bought us both drinks. And, also, if that's the case, fuck your third-wheel sympathy beer, dick. Not that I won't drink it, but still.

My point is that prior to about a year ago, I wouldn't have even been in a bar where dudes were sending drinks, even pity ones. Or, okay, even better example: last night a pitbull visiting the bar got excited and knocked me onto my ass on the sidewalk. This weirdo rushed to my aid (already a departure from how things used to be) and, as he helped me up, whispered in my ear, "Don't worry, you looked hot falling down." I wish he had been joking.

Jes and I wound up eating fries in a 24-hour bagel shop and scaring the hell out of the cute guy who works behind the counter. He made the mistake of getting into our conversation about the dumb guys we've been dealing with of late, and once the floodgates were open all he could do was stand there, listen, and make that "Hoooooooooo!" noise the audience on America's Funniest Home Videos uses to accompany a shot to the balls.

My life thus far with dudes boils down to series of punchlines so stupid you don’t even need the rest of the story. Some highlights:

“Dude hit me up when you don’t have work and we can get it on.” [Via text, DUDE.]
“I’m gonna get you PREGNANT.” [This was in public.]
“You should gain thirty pounds and call me.” [Only me. Only I would get that.]
“Are you a dude? Whatever, it’s cool if you are.” [Not in jest.]
“You look like Kennedy from MTV,” as a prelude to, “Wanna make out?” [And that worked.]

I'm not sure what my point really is beyond hey, have things been a shitstorm lately because I am basically a thirteen year old girl when it comes to guys. When you grow up a girl who never assumes guys like her because guys do not like actually like her, the interest of even the most terrible guy is kind of an adventure. In the very short time any guys have been at all interested in me, I've been more entertained than upset by the sheer idiocy of the situations I manage to get myself into with guys who never cease to fabulously disappoint.

Even so, I'm not trying to say one of those reductive, "All guys are stupid!" things, because that's actually the opposite of what I think. It's just that--okay, if my love life is a passing circus train, I've only gotten to the car full of clowns. The thing that is so frustrating is I know that the circus is actually full of lion tamers and acrobats and fire-eaters and trapeze artists and a ringmaster in a tophat and tails I haven't yet seen.

6 Comments:

Blogger The Awkward American said...

I hear ya. I've never been hit on until this year. The first guy who tried to flirt with me said, "So, you look like you enjoy the occasional cocaine. Not that you look like a druggie or anything. You just have a good big nose for it." In retrospect, he may have been a drug dealer and not just someone who could benefit from going on The Pickup Artist.

10:42 AM  
Blogger Kathy said...

It can be both -- he's a remarkably unsuave drug dealer if that's the case. I also forgot the guy--a virtual stranger probably 7 years younger than me--who THREW UP ON ME on the G train and then asked for my number.

10:48 AM  
Anonymous Catherine in FL said...

Oh Kathy. I feel you. I feel like I am 13 too. I was reading one of my journals from when I was 12 and I say the exact same things now. I am losing weight right now and I notice I get more attention and I can't deal with it. Because I am 30 years old and still act like a teenager and thus my love life sucks. I need therapy...I end up hanging out with this amazing guy who everyone says digs me and telling him that I don't do younger guys, ever.(After he flat out asked me if I woul date a younger guy..hint hint) Then after taking an Ambien telling him I want to have his children (ugh) and then the next time I see him pretty much telling him again I don't like younger guys and then crushing on him like I did when I was in junior high. I am pathetic. And yet..still want a boyfriend, maybe even him. Why?? Congrats on the free drinks!

2:28 PM  
Blogger me =) said...

Thank you for reading my mind & putting them in a way any intelligent & gifted writer, like yourself, would! I envy & hope for the day I can EVER convey my writing to be as entertaining yet intelligent as yours...

congrats on the weight loss... ya look great!

me! =)

6:32 PM  
Anonymous Robin said...

This is awesome.

2:15 PM  
Blogger Kathy said...

Robin, I may make you read something I wrote. I'm maintaining delusions that I'm writing a novelish thing for teen girls, and I think you are the best person to send the first finished chapter to because you actually know something about children's publishing.

3:12 PM  

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