Friday, October 10, 2008

M-4-DoubleEw -- The Best of Craigslist Personals

Craigslist is a horny hotbed of personal ads. It has to be the no-frills anonymity compelling the crazies to fill page after page with strange, demanding, borderline terrifying requests for love. Below, I’ve gathered and tried to explain my favorite headlines from recent M4W posts.

BIG BLACK DICK - 25 –
I RESPECT YOUR SUCCINCTNESS

FINGER FUN IN CENTRAL PARK - 45 - (Central Park)
WE HAVE DIVERGENT CONCEPTS OF FUN

if you are pretty, have a nice body and are between 18 and 22 .... - 33 - (queens)
…you are probably not trolling for 33-year-olds from Queens on the internet at 4:54 in the morning.

THE FALLING LEAVES DRIFT BY MY WINDOW - 63 - (East Village)
THE BAD POETIC CLICHES RAIN DOWN LIKE URINE FROM A DOG WIENER

Want to take a shower together? No sex! - 31 (ny)
Don’t worry, totally non-threatening if there’s no sex! Just you, me, and my soapy, unfamiliar dick!

ARE YOU A CUTE POTATO?LOVE DOGS?THE BEATLES? - 33 - (nyc)
I was going to be all what’s a cute potato? But then I realized that that might not be a bad descriptor for yours truly, and then I got sort of embarrassed, and then I realized I love dogs, and then I e-mailed him. Kidding. Mostly.

I have a new dress!!! - 28 - (brooklyn)
Me too! This is why we will never date.

Big Bad Wolf seeking Little Red Riding Hood –
To kill and devour her grandmother.

LIKE A VERY HAIRY GUY? - 40 - (MANHATTAN)
Shaved for the very first time?
Like a vee-rrryyy hairy guuuuyyy….
Electric razor
Starts to whine…
Ooooh-oo-ooh-ooh-oooo

LICKER in Queens - (Astoria)
JUST CROSSED MY LEGS DEFENSIVELY in Brooklyn, nice to meet you.

Soul meets soul on lover's lips – 27
Also where herpes meets herpes, just as an FYI.

A germaphobe romance –
File this one under “Craigslist Personal or Bestselling Debut Memoir Yet to Be Debunked as Fiction?” Particular points go to this guy because the ad actually includes the sentence, “I’d really just like to meet someone who doesn’t repulse me about 5 hours out of any given day.” Join the club, Mr. Clean.

Love, Cars, and The North Pole – 30
Greaser Santa seeks Pinky Tuscadero of his yuletide dreams?

I'M AN ORAL FREAK – 45
I HAVE 78 TEETH AND THEY ARE ALL SHARP

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