Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Rubber Duckie, I'm Awfully Fond of You

And just when you thought I was gone forever, I come running back like this is a Lifetime movie and you're the abusive husband with the blonde flip and blue eyes and high-waisted jeans I simply cannot resist. Blogging at JUNK will still take place, but I think what I'll do is use this as sort of the incubator/dumping ground/pre-blog tailgate party area for all of the things I want to write about but don't really belong on JUNK. Then if anything's good I'll move it over. Like anyone cares about this but me. Anyway.

Because my liquid assets are usually puddle-deep, I got this freelance job rewriting product descriptions for an adult toy website. It's easy, I make a dollar per description, and best of all, it has yet to stop being really funny. I mean, there's virtually no aspect of this job that isn't funny. Mathematically, there must be some kind of humor equation you could derive from the whole situation and apply liberally to unfunny comedians, funerals, endless work meetings, doing your taxes, and subway rides during which everyone is disappointingly lucid. Seriously, look:

1. You put these things up your butt. Classic comedy gold.
2. The DVD section of my assignment appears to have been written the first time by a fourteen year old boy. It may be true that "Tera Patrick's titsare so awsome," but seriously, cowboy, use two hands and it's way easier to type.
3. Running out of ways to say "stimulates the prostate" is a problem I never thought anyone would have, let alone me personally.
4. The word "dong." Just that.

Take all that into account, and then multiply it by the fact that I am supposed to make these product descriptions cute and punny. This leaves me on the couch after work every night, laptop in hand, snorting at my own genius for coming up with prose like You know what they say about rubber duckie--he makes bathtime lots of fun! This discreet duck-shaped massager requires one AA battery...

As funny as sex toys are, and as astounding as their variety may be, there's only one thing that's actually taken me by surprise so far. After some extensive research, I'm pleased to report that the customer reviews section of an adult website appears to be the closest we as a society have come to utopian tolerance and peaceful co-existence with all our fellow man. I have never encounted another place where single women, married heterosexuals, straight men who like to take it up the butt, and single gay men all come together to have such an open conversation, much less congenially reach an agreement that yes, the Dick Rambone dildo is probably too big to fit up your ass if you haven't had much practice otherwise.

I expected to make a few bucks off of this project, but the newfound confidence in America was an unplanned bonus. Perversion is the great equalizer! Take arms, my freaky breathren, and pursue life! Pursue liberty! Pursue the perfect double-ended dildo!

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