Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Ghostbusters!

Sadly, the bathing in virgin's blood thing probably never happened.

All morning I've been looking for just one tale of true terror to talk about for Halloween, but I've accidentally debunked everything I've come across. I kind of remembered something about a Hungarian countess who murdered virgins for their blood, which she believed would keep her young and beautiful when used a la Calgon, but it seems like that same band of vague academics who ruin all of my fun all of the time have proven she never bathed in any kind of blood at all. Not even pig blood. It's true that the Countess Bathory was a mass murderer who probably did torture a few servant girls at her castles, but come on, who hasn't? It's also true that she was bricked into one room in her castle to live out the rest of her life after she was convicted but even that won't rescue the story from suckitude.

Okay, so that's out.

How about the Winchester Mystery House? This one should've been really good. Sarah Winchester refused to stop construction on her home on the advice of a spiritualist medium who believed the Winchesters were cursed by the many victims of their repeating rifles. As long as she kept building, he claimed, she would be safe from the vengeful spirits. The house is truly bizarre, full of doors that go nowhere and blind chimneys. Not to mention that Sarah, obsessed with the number thirteen, included 13 panes on nearly every window and 13 steps on nearly every staircase. And she died in the house. But then the Academic Historians of Fun Killing point out that it's said she was "never the same" after her child died and that the spiritualist stuff started right after tuburculosis got her husband. And then you get to wondering whether she was just kind of sad, a little manic, and very rich.

And then you're stuck with the Winchester Depression Shack.

Also, EVP is a bad tape recorder and vampirism is porphyria.

I am seriously considering organizing some kind of petition, or like, some Metaphysical Landmarks Association that will rope off our ghost stories and keep them safe from the meddling hands of the Academic Historians Who Want to Ruin Halloween Like Some Frigging Grinch Assholes. Why, why do you want to leave us with nothing but gourds and slutty cats to mark the end of October?

I'm willing to offer Santa as P.O.W. if you give me back the Salem Witch Trials. Just don't make any sudden moves or I'll debunk Rudolph myself.

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