Thursday, October 05, 2006

'Til Putrescence Do Us Part

There’s an article in today’s NYT about minghun, a practice in certain remote provinces of China by parents of deceased, unmarried adult sons. Should a bachelor meet his maker before he meets his match, custom dictates that his parents purchase the corpse of a similarly single deceased woman to bury by his side, effectively marrying them in death to ensure he is coupled in the afterlife. Corpse brides don’t come cheap, either. A family may be asked fork over the equivalent of the girl’s dowry just to have her body relocated to the son’s gravesite.

If family can’t afford a dead wife for their dead son, in some villages they’ll construct a human-sized effigy of a wife (effiGF? effiance?) from straw and bury the figure in the adjacent plot.

I am twenty-four years old and hopefully a good many years away from my demise. Of course, being plucked off the earth under some bizarre circumstance is always a possibility, and I suppose it is important to plan for one’s future. Who knows if tomorrow I’ll be crushed by a chunk of frozen pee falling from passing 747? Poisoned by an improperly cooked Crave Case of White Castle slyders? Trampled by a pack of enthusiastic kids at the Annex during “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley?

Given these uncertainties, I’ve become aware how important it is to get my ducks in a row and present guidelines to my family and friends should they ever receive an offer to marry my deceased person to that of a deceased eligible male.

First and foremost, I’m worth at least a hundred grand. I don’t get out of my grave for less than a hundred grand. If you’re going exhume my body in a state of decay that is probably very unattractive just to fix me up on a blind date, I’d like to know that my value is tied to my (former) personality and not the integrity of my organs (or lack thereof).

Second, there are certain qualities I’m looking for in a dead husband. Is he good-looking? Does he have a sense of humor? Good personal hygiene? Does he own his plot or rent? Please do your homework. Don’t just dead marry me off to any dead bachelor.

Third, it is important you discuss with his family their intentions about dead grandchildren. Given certain biological factors, I will have achieved maximum thinness about a year into my relationship with my dead husband. Being comprised then of only bones and enjoying my new, Kate Moss-like sveltness, I am probably not going to be itching to balloon up again with all that dead baby weight. Dead children are not a priority. Please communicate this to my deads-in-law.

Lastly, I would like a posthumousprenuptual agreement to state that, should any person on the following list come to be buried in an adjacent plot to my marriage grave, I am effectively and immediately deadvorced and free to dead date: Jake Gyllenhaal, Gael Garcia Bernal, and basically any lead singer of any indie dance rock band active between 2000 A.D. and 2006 A.D.

Other than that, I leave my dead happiness in your living, breathing hands. I trust that you won’t play with my decomposing heart, because if I end up dead married to a big old loser, I will haunt you like a hurricane. Rest (in peace) assured.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Mike said...

I hope your kids will have a sense of humor: you know they'll be bombarded with dead baby jokes.

5:29 PM  
Blogger What'sHerFace said...

Ba-zing!

7:55 PM  
Anonymous maHOpac said...

Excellent!

12:24 PM  

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