Tuesday, July 25, 2006

An Open Letter

Dear Mr. Shyamalan;

Your account is well past due. Please remit payment immediately in the amount of $45.00 (a $9.50 refund for each of the following movies: Unbreakable, Signs, The Village, and Lady in the Water).

We have tried to contact you numerous times via talking with our mother about hating the stupid Village, and referring loudly to your latest shitball as "The Cunt in the Puddle" or "Wet Bitch," but we have received no response. We will be forced to take legal action if you do not immediately send payment for the money we have wasted every turd you've slapped your name on after the Sixth Sense, which we all figured out way before the ending, but generally wasn't too bad and also had a New Kid on the Block in it.

BRUCE WILLIS IS REALLY DEAD! We bet you think you're soooo smart.

Please refrain from using "Night" on any further communication, checks, or legal material. That's not your name. You made up that name. We all know that's a fake name, dick.

Please cease and desist appearing in your movies. It has been brought to our attention (during the few moments watching your films when we were not busy shaking our fists in fury) that you cannot act. Hitchcock put himself on the cover of a paper in Lifeboat. That's a cameo. A cameo is not giving yourself more lines in your movie than you gave Jeffrey Wright.

Dick.

Disregard this letter if you have already sent payment. If you do not refund our money within ten (10) business days, we will be forced to take further action and begin negatively reviewing your DVDs on Amazon.com.

I'm serious, Manoj. Cough it up.

Sincerely,

Katharine Maria Cacace
(Note the use of a real middle name, dick.)
Furious moviegoer out another 9.50
Brooklyn, NY

3 Comments:

Blogger Craigery said...

...what was wrong with Unbreakable?

I agree with everything else, though.
c.

7:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Uh, why'd you go see the next three? After Unbreakable some people learned their lesson.

4:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm with you, maybe we can get a class action going. The only enjoyable movie was The Sixth Sense. Unbreakable, trash. Signs, I fell asleep. The Village, reeking, stinking, fetid, garbage ughhhh. I refuse to see Cunt In the Puddle (hilarious) I've been bamboozeled far too many times, not again "Night", not again.

8:28 AM  

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