Wednesday, May 10, 2006

MySpace Cadets

The freak parade that is my life continues to trudge past, with a line of bizarro marching bands and hunchbacked, drooling flag twirlers stretching to the horizon.

About once every two months I'll get a MySpace message from someone e-propositioning everyone in my zip code for what I can imagine would be illicit, smelly sex. Last time it was a marine looking to schedule in some action for his few days on leave. Fine, whatever. I wouldn't have called him out just for trying to pack his days with as much vagina as possible--except for the fact that one of his pictures was him in a big gym shower, all wet with no clothes on, and he clearly was not the one taking the picture. I mean. Really. You may think the sight of your glistening, dewy manmaries is enough to make any woman drop her drawers, but no one is attractive enough to get away with passing off a camera to the dude soaping up at the next shower head and being all "Hey, you mind?" like you were both standing in front of the goddamn Liberty Bell.


Today, I got a message (subject: "wuts good") from a nineteen year old Brooklynite with a bare bones profile. He is an Aquarius, and he does not want children. What more do I need to know? What he lacks in written details he more than makes up for with photos, though. He includes four pictures of himself in his profile. In every one he is making the exact same face, sort of a halfwit L.L. lip pout, but he wrote radically different captions for each. Looking at his photos made me feel like I was failing some cognitive psych test. What's this face? Happy. What's this face? Happy. What's this face? Happy.

Anyway, on this profile, halfwit lip pout number one is entitled "FROM THE HOOD YALL NO." Pout two: "LOL ME BEING STUPID." Identical pout three: "ME LOOKIN LOST." And the final pout: "LADIES GET BAC AT ME."

Oh my dear child, I think I just did.


Blogger DMo said...

"K"s are so over-rated.

11:19 AM  
Blogger What'sHerFace said...

Look, eliminate all the time you would spend typing a "k"s and you've got TONS MORE TIME for the LADIES to HIT YOU UP.

11:38 AM  
Anonymous anonymous mom said...

sounds like rob. wouldn't put it past him.

what happens if i click the wheelchair icon? does it confirm that i'm retarded, or what?

12:59 PM  
Anonymous anonymous mom said...

whoa Kathy! Nice job on Brad's myspace!

You ARE a goddess!

8:35 AM  

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