Monday, May 08, 2006

Liveblogging the David Blaine De-Bubbling

8:24: Watching David Blaine work out is not magic. Or sexy. But especially not magic.

8:26: Card tricks piss me off. People who are amazed by card tricks piss me off.

8:27: We are meeting David Blaine's personal trainer. How is it possible that everyone associated with this man is the shadiest individual in their respective field of expertise? Why do they all use so much hair product? Why does David Blaine never wear a shirt?

8:30: During a Red Bull commercial, I wonder: who is paying David Blaine to do this?

8:30:30: I bet it's Al Qaeda.


8:32: A fan has created a snow globe of David Blaine in a bubble. The real magic? Topical arts and crafts.

8:38: David Blaine is coaching women at a casino. The real magic? That their boobs are staying inside their tops.

8:44: The announcer is boring and even he can't make this thrilling. The real magic? His eyes are two different colors.

8:48: David Blaine is interviewing that guy who cut off his own arm with a pocket knife when he was pinned beneath a boulder. They're out in the snow in the middle of the woods, and Armless Joe or whatever his name is is wearing a big parka. David Blaine is wearing a t-shirt. Magic is hard nipples.

8:53: There's a sign in the audience the cameraman zoomed in on:
Cheats death!
My questions about who is paying for this are answered. ABC TV IS MAGIC.

8:58: They have sent David Blaine to prison, to the top of a mountain, to the streets of Brooklyn, to a casino, and to swim with 27 sharks. The real magic? That they've managed to stretch NINE MINUTES of television into two hours.

9:00: David Blaine is chewing glass. The real magic? That I am not throwing up.

9:06: A police department diver is entering David Blaine's bubble to chain him with handcuffs. The real magic? That there is no real crime to fight.

9:08: Brad is doing some kind of samba. The real magic? That I am not throwing up.

9:13: Now he's a Navy Seal. The real magic? His unbelievable wedgie.

9:17: If I have to see David Blaine's disgusting gray nightmare wrinkled pruny hippo feet one more time, I'm going to make him disappear with the magic that emanates from my remote control.

9:23: I was just warned that I should not try this at home. I should not, under any circumstances construct a sphere, fill it with water, live in it for a week, then chain myself to the bottom of it with handcuffs, then escape the chains, then hold my breath for nine minutes, then collect a fat fucking paycheck from ABC. Don't try that. Don't.

9:29: "In my dreams, I can live underwater forever." In my dreams, I date Adam Brody.

9:35: It's the FINAL COUNTDOWN. This needs a wicked guitar solo, but all I'm getting is the Blaniac's greasy doctor talking about how we know if he passes out. He'll pass out if he doesn't get some serious shredded guitar badassery, you little bitch.

9:41: Oh boy, he's breathing in.

9:42: Now he's not breathing out. The real magic? David Blaine stops breathing and Brad gets dumped! At least he has still has the samba. And potentially David Blaine's lifeless corpse...we'll see how the next eight minutes go.

9:44: Yeah, he's still not breathing. You know, I not breathe all the time. In between all the breathing I do.

9:46: No breath. Wheeee.

9:48: The opposite of breath. And removing handcuffs. Now he's making me feel like a loser for breathing and not escaping the entrapments of our good law enforcement agents. David Blaine sucks.

9:50: Aaaaaand he almost drowns. Two hours and he doesn't get the chains off, and he doesn't break the record. This is a far better ending than they planned.

9:52: There's all kinds of convulsions and tears. And they keep zooming in on this one pretty girl in the front row. Those people at ABC are smart. Model plant, or David's back pimples? Model? Pimples?

9:55: Now hes addressing the crowd and crying. This is like Miss America, but with a naked wet weirdo who only sucked in his stomach for seven minutes.

9:56: "I think you're seeing some history of its own right now," says the announcer. Where they would file this in the Dewey decimal system is unclear. Where does weird douchebaggery fall? Before or after psychology?

10:01: I'm gonna go fill a ziploc with water and see how long my hamster can hold its breath. They only said I couldn't try it at home.


Anonymous Kat said...

Love the snarky commentary. I'm ashamed to admit that I went to see him at Lincoln Center yesterday.

9:41 PM  
Blogger Anna said...

LAME! He totally cried like a small child on national television!

11:57 PM  
Blogger AndWhySee??? said...

He is a god among men.

4:55 AM  
Blogger katy said... make t.v. fun again. Even when I don't actually watch t.v.

6:59 AM  
Anonymous anonymous mom said...

does brad know about the hamster plans?

2:25 PM  

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