Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Liveblogging the American Idol Finale

8:01 - Mandy Moore is in the audience. There really must be nothing but pennies in her pocket.

8:03 - We're watching a video retrospective of Taylor and Katharine's journey to the final. While listening to Journey's "Don't Stop Believing." GET IT? GET IT? Do you GET IT? Journey...Journey. God, you're stupid. GET IT?

8:04 - McPheever. "The Soul Patrol." American Idol is depleting our nation's supply of clever word play at an alarming rate. Where's the Al Gore documentary about that?

8:05 - Katharine versus Taylor. "It's girl vs. boy. The west vs. the south," says Ryan's voiceover. Yes, that historic battle between the west and the south, personified here by pre-fab pop starlets. Just like the civil war!

8:05 - Does it bother anyone else that Ryan Seacrest's nose is completely crooked on his face?

8:09 - Chris Daughtry's here. What's that noise? Oh, right, bitterness grinding his teeth down to little stubs.

8:09 - Katharine is singing that KT Tunstall song again. If she wins, I'm going to light a bus on fire, I swear to God. She's dancing all up on the guy playing the washboard. It's insincere.

8:11 - Stupid celebrity sighting two: Christina Applegate. Kelly Bundy's here. Fab.

8:13 - Taylor's singing "Living for the City," in a purple velvet coat. It is with a heavy heart that I break this news to him: Taylor, dear, darling, my little silver-haired love, you are not Samuel L. Jackson. I'm still rooting for you, because you are the unlikeliest motherfucker on the planet to be in the finals for this show, and because I suspect Katharine is a robot and a Scientologist (and in all likelihood both), but purple velvet is never the answer.

8:16 - Taye Diggs. Ha, remember when you were famous?

8:22 - Katharine does "Some where Over the Rainbow" again. I bet her father's already blubbering all over the place. Someone plug that man's face.

8:25 - Dad tears. Did I just win five bucks?

8:26 - Extra! Extra! English escapes Paula's grasp yet again!

8:27 - Katharine says her ear monitor didn't work for the a capella beginning of her song..booo hooo hoo hoo. Go cry like your dad.

8:32 - Taylor's singing "Levon," an Elton John song. Which I had to google the lyrics of. Because I thought it was "Leave On." And that didn't make any sense. ...And the songs over. Oops.

8:34 - Randy declares it "pitchy." I declare "pitchy" not a real word, goddammit.

8:35 - Constantine just smarmed out from behind Bucky in the audience. He is a pile of slime.

8:41 - Katharine McPhee's "first single" is called "My Destiny." Do they have seventh grade girls write these American Idol singles? This sounds like the kind of thing that would be on a Nickelodeon show about a girl with a single on the radio. She can't hit any of the notes.

8:44 - And now there's a gospel choir behind her. What's that sound? Oh, right, bitterness about singing back-up to HER strangling their vocal chords.

8:45 - Tori Spelling's in the audience, except they fucked up the caption underneath her and it read "Katharine's Family and Friends." I don't believe that was a mistake; her reality show's about being D-list. THERE IS NO REALITY.

8:51 - Taylor's song is called "Do I Make You Proud?" They're hauling out the choir again. This song is so cheesy they probably found it in a Lunchables, but he sounds good.

8:55 - I think Taylor just won. He better have, or seriously, a bus. On fire. I mean it.

8:59 - And so begins the telecommunications war between American voters to elect a pop idol whose albums I will never buy and whose songs will invariably suck. Vive la democracy! Et le capitalisme! Et making up foreign words! Et House, which is a good show and the finale is now!


Anonymous Rebecca said...

Except for last week, I haven't watched this show since the final 12 or whatever were announced. And after watching last week, I couldn't put my finger on what I hate about Katharine McPhee... Thank you for spelling it out: she has that Scientologist vibe. Yucky.

Is it wrong that the fact that Taylor is in the top 2 gives me faith in the American public's sanity despite the Sex in the City obsession?

9:34 PM  
Blogger What'sHerFace said...

Not at all wrong; that people like Taylor gives me hope in, well, basically, everything. If the shiny, white-toothed girl wins again, evil has won.

9:45 PM  
Anonymous Rebecca said...

I just thought of something, though... What if all these people are voting for Taylor because they think it's hilarious that he's in the finals? That's why my dad (I'm so ashamed to admit this) and a lot of my classmates voted for Jesse Ventura, and he wound up winning, and they were all surprised that their votes had, you know, counted.

Evil may win even if Taylor wins. But I think I'll delude myself into thinking it's meaningful anyway.

8:45 AM  
Blogger What'sHerFace said...

I don't know...aside from the fact that I really want to like Taylor, the informal data I've collected from drunkish people in a bar, people who work in the surrounding cubes and offices, and my mom seems to say that people either genuinely like Taylor, or at least aren't making fun of him if they like Katharine better.

See? Look at all the faith he's given me in the basic goodness of people.

9:18 AM  

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