Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Liveblogging the American Idol Finale, Part 2

8:01 - I almost missed the beginning of the show because Dateline's doing another installment of their internet pedophile sting operation. It's hard to tear yourself away from perverts with their blurry naughty parts a-blazing.

8:04 - Video retrospective of Randy saying "dude."

8:05 - Video retrospective of Paula crying and hitting Simon.

8:05 - Video retrospective of Simon touching his mouth. But which will win the Oscar for Best Short Film?

8:08 - Apparently they're bringing back EVERY GODDAMN FINALIST to sing weird duets. Paris and Al Jarreau, whose name I know only because a tape my dad made of an Al Jarreau eight track circulated my childhood home for the first eighteen years of my life. They're scatting. I'm gagging.

8:10 - I've just decided that if I'm ever a finalist they decide to bring back on the American Idol season finale, I'm doing an "Opposites Attract" duet with Paula and I'm totally coming out dressed as that stupid fucking cartoon cat from the video. They'll regret voting me off then.

8:14 - Chris Daughtry and Live. Really? You mean Chris Daughtry's favorite band has a bald frontman with a warbly voice? Really?

8:21 - Katharine McPhee and Meatloaf sing "All Coming Back to Me Now." Meatloaf sounds like Katharine Hepburn and he's carrying a red sweat rag. I'll take back all the shit I talked about Katharine McPhee if she touches the sweat rag. TOUCH THE RAG, KAT. TOUCH THE RAG. I'll mail her a hundred bucks if she touches the Meatloaf's "au jus."

8:23 - Why are they singing a Celine Dion song? Meatloaf sang two of the world's greatest male/female duets, "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" and "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)," and they pick this? TOUCH THE RAG, KAT.

8:24 - No dice. Bitch can't sing, and she's out a hundred smackers.

8:28 - Like, ten minutes of absolute bullshit giving out "Golden Idol" awards to the freakshows from the auditions. Because nothing deserves an award more than paranoid schizophrenia and histrionic personality disorder.

8:39 - There's some shtick with Wolfgang Puck and Kellie Pickler. I love this girl, I'm not even joking. She's my American Idol.

8:40 - All of the American Idol guys are singing "Takin' Care of Business." Kevin Covais, the sixteen-year-old in the body of a seven-year-old, and Ace, the penis in the body of a douchebag, are doing some spectacular harmonization. All of a sudden they're singing "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow." How that happened, I'm not sure. I just realized Bucky actually had a good voice. It's a shame the Babysitter's Club hair got him voted off.

8:52 - I think Ryan Seacrest just made out with Elliot's mother via misplaced cheek kiss.

8:52 - Elliot Yamin sings "One" by U2, and I'm sure they're trotting out Mary J. Blige to sing this again, like she has done on EVERY SINGLE TV SHOW on EVERY NETWORK this season. Well, except she's wearing weird Willie Wonka white sunglasses this time. That's something.

8:54 - This isn't a duet. Mary's going crazy in the middle of the stage, and Elliot is swaying off to the side. No one puts Mary in a corner.

9:00 - Carrie Underwood, evil songstress behind "Jesus Take the Wheel," is singing some twangy ballad about leaving home. The song mentions the Bible before the verse is over...and I think I just came up with a fabulous drinking game.

9:05 - Taylor Hicks and Toni Braxton singing "In the Ghetto," and she manages to sing too low even for her. I guess, if nothing else, she's proven she's not a tranny.

9:11 - The girls are singing "I Feel Like a Woman." Now it's that "W-O-M-A-N" song. And now they're singing "Natural Woman." Now it's "I'm Every Woman." Some producer got drunk and lazy in a karaoke songbook.

9:19 - They brought out Clay Aiken. You know how when you see, like, a spider in the shower, and it's totally frightening and awful, but then you get over your initial shock and you're okay enough to finish washing your hair as long as you keep your eye on it, and by the time you're done conditioning it's not so bad and you're brave enough to squash it with some toilet paper? Yeah. Clay's not like that. Still as frightening and awful as the first time I saw him.

9:25 - A tribute to Burt Bacharach? American Idol is excavating levels of disinterest I did not know my heart even contained.

9:42 - Giving out another "Golden Idol." Do we have time for this? I don't have time for this. I don't have time for "Brokeback Mountain" jokes. Next up, a guilty O.J. joke and a quip about Adlai Stevenson.

9:47 - Prince! They got Prince! This is shocking! For this, I took back one bad thing I wrote during the Burt Bacharach medley about Dionne Warwick being half a million years old.

9:55 - Okay, so the "Nobody puts Mary in a corner" joke up there, I swear to God, was in there before Kat and Taylor started singing "I've Had the Time of My Life."

9:57 - Lots of bullcrap, stall stall stall. Can we just finish off this two-hour cocktease?

9:58 - Taylor won! And David Hasseloff is in the audience crying. Yeah, that's about right. God bless the U.S. of freakin' A.


Anonymous Rebecca said...

I was really hoping Katharine would fall on her face during I've Had the Time of My Life. And I'm a Nice Girl who doesn't wish that kind of thing on anyone.

Yea for America. But if they mention ONE MORE TIME in any future season that more people vote for their American Idol than in a presidential election, I may... well, I guess I'll do nothing but continue to bitch to Lauren about how you can vote more than once in American Idol and how if they'd let me, I'd get back in line over and over and vote all day long in the presidential election too.

11:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Everything you've said, I agree with. What is going ON with Clay Aiken's hair lately? He looks like Florence Henderson and KD Lang had a baby together.

9:10 PM  

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