Thursday, May 04, 2006

Blaine in the Ass

Right now, as I type this, there is a big plastic sphere in the middle of Lincoln Center, the nexus of New York City arts and culture. Where the sopranos sing heavenly arias and ballerinas dance impossibly lightly across the stage, there is a half naked magician hooked up to a catheter and feeding tube and smashing his pruny face against the glass so Fox Five News can get a decent clip.

I have seen many stupid things. This might've been the stupidest.

As Brad has written and documented, the antidote to yesterday's crappo day was obviously to truck seventy blocks north to see a wiener in a bubble. David Blaine is spending a week or something underwater, and then getting out, and then going back in with 150 pounds of chains locked around his body which he has to escape from, but not before he spends something like nine minutes under water because then he breaks the world record for not breathing.

It is at this point, when I have stopped laughing uncontrollably, that I'd like to point out to David Blaine that Harry Houdini has been not breathing for almost a hundred years.

Now there's a goal, David Blaine. Give that a go.

We came up out of the subway at Lincoln Center and only had to follow the crowd to find the Blaine bath. I honestly expected a few people snapping a couple of pictures, not a line an hour long to press your hand against his through the stupid bubble. I pictured him quiet and meditative, not thumbs-upping in a diver's helmet. Everything about the scene was unbelievable--and hysterical. Who waits on a line to see David Blaine floating in a bubble of his own sweat and skin cells? David Blaine has fans? People like magicians? Lincoln Center said yeah, please, come do this here, while we have fancy receptions on the balcony right above his stupid head? David Blaine has fans?

I hate magicians. I'm not stupid, and I feel like the basic premise of a magic act is that I'm stupider than a guy with a pigeon shoved up the arm of his coat. I don't want to be your volunteer, I don't want to pick a card, and I'm not mystified by your two totally solid rings that [bing] can't possibly [bing] be joined [click!] TOGETHER! Add on top of that the fact that being wet for a long time isn't magic, and also that David Blaine always sounds like he's high, and I'd sooner wait on line for a public Pap smear than watch that turd float around.

But seriously, you guys should all come out for my magic act. I'm going to magically make twelve death-defying inches of a Subway Veggie Delight sandwich disappear at around 12:30 today. You'll be amazed at my feat of prestidigitation! Or, I guess in this case, prestidigestion. But who knows! A magician never reveals his methods.



Anonymous Mike said...

Techincally, I think he is an "illusionist", not a "magician". Although, there's not much illusion in standing on top of a pole for a long time or being in a bath for a week or so.

Maybe he's a "delusionist"?

(Sidenote: my word verification was "yhwmtm". Does that mean Yahweh is Mary Tyler Moore? Sweet!)

2:16 PM  

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