Friday, April 21, 2006

A Visit from Brad

Let me begin with a few prompts. If you have that Haircut One Hundred song where he sings “iy yi yi yi yi ya / iy yi yi yi yi yi yi ya,” put it on now. I’m not actually listening to it, but it’s been on repeat in my head pretty much 24/7 since I played little league baseball. That, and “Electric Avenue.” And occasionally “Hot Child in the City,” which is probably the most revolting song ever performed when you listen to the words and look at Nick Gilder singing it. Eeesh.

Now go to wherever you keep your dirty laundry and put on the grossest, smelliest, wrinkliest t-shirt in there. Next, check your e-mail. Now check it again. Once more. Okay, now check your e-mail again. Check your e-mail now, too. Doesn’t hurt to refresh the page. Go on, check it again. Once more. Aaand, check your e-mail again. Now eat too much of whatever the nearest candy is and hiccup so hard your stomach hurts for half an hour. Take a picture of the floor.

There, so, you’re me.

Kathy invited me to guest blog today, which is stupid of her because she’s going to lose half her readers. I don’t have narratives like she does. In fact, I don’t ever really have anything interesting to say. I can make some lists, though. Let’s do two lists.

Things Shirley Has Said To Us:
“That’s wronger’n a horse eatin’ a hamburger.”
“This is harder than stretchin’ a gnat’s ass over a washboard.”
“I’m nervouser’n a long-tailed cat in a room fulla rockin’ chairs.”
And, my favorite, “Take the keys to Bubba [the old summer job golf cart], take a radio, and go ANYWHERE.” We were getting on her nerves.

What Was Alanis Down On in the Theater?
Cash?
Luck?
Oxycontin?

So, Dharma and Greg. Dharma, Dharma, Dharma. Really. Who heard the pitch for a show called “Dharma and Greg” and said YES. LET’S DO THIS. Who? Hey guess what? I don’t care about Will and Grace. TBS: Seinfeld reruns are okay (the best is when Kramer answers that his briefcase is full of crackers), but I still don’t really like the show. Everybody Loves Raymond was better, but I think they stopped showing it! Friends is just six idiots taking turns kissing each other, hiding the kissing from the others, and wearing the most dated outfits imaginable. If I wanted to watch that hullabaloo I’d go back to college.

Dear Kathy’s Readers,

I apologize for wasting your time.

Brad

4 Comments:

Blogger dancer said...

It's raining harder than a fat cow pissing on a flat rock.

3:07 PM  
Anonymous Andrea said...

I'm pretty stoked that brad finally apologized. About damn time.

12:58 PM  
Anonymous brad said...

I AM SO SERIOUS ABOUT THE INSIDE OUT FACE

2:38 PM  
Anonymous anonymousmom said...

i'm not sure which is worse, this post or the freak commenting on the next post!

3:56 PM  

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