Monday, April 03, 2006

Spelling Lesson

I spent most of yesterday organizing my mp3s in front of Tori Spelling. Between a Lifetime movie featuring Toto as a thwarted Olympic skier (who, while recuperating from a knee injury, engages in steamy phone calls with an anonymous caller who turns out to be a murderous computer company CEO who uses a top secret voice mimicking program to talk to her on the phone while he kills his wife so he’s got an alibi in court but she’s clever and plucky and figures it all out and, I swear to God, skis to safety at the last minute) and the premiere of So NoTORIous on VH1, I spent more time on Spelling yesterday than I did during the entire fourth grade, when it was a subject. I was strangely at the strange premiere party for her strange new show on Friday night, so I felt required to watch it.

FYI, Tori’s new boobs are enormous and weird-looking. She has a freakish and inexplicable bosom. Like, tranny drag queen, how did they get the skin to stretch like that? big. In a pizza place after her weird entrance on a weird, fake red carpet, I actually found myself saying “I would love to see what she looks like topless.” I don’t know if anyone has ever said those words about Tori Spelling before. I know I definitely haven’t. But do you remember when you were a kid and, like, you just had to take apart your GloWorm to see what made its head light up like that? Tori’s boobs make you feel just like that. How does it work? How?

I was never a 90210 watcher. Seeing Tori in person wasn’t so much exciting as it was fascinating in a “wait, seriously?” kind of way. I love watching paparazzi do their thing, especially when it’s not a real premiere and they’re snapping away for a half an hour on the only celebrity scheduled to show up. “Tori, over here!” “Tori, can I get an over the shoulder? Over the shoulder! Over the shoulder!” The weirdest was when the paparazzi demanded she and her fiancée make out for the cameras, which they did in slow motion for a good two minutes. Mr. Spelling-to-be has got a tattoo on his arm that says “truly, madly, deeply, Tori.”

Everything that was happening felt like the kind of dream I would have after eating Pop Tarts right before bed.

New Yorkers are never so friendly as when they can’t see to the middle of a paparazzi cluster. I was standing way back on the on the curb while all the hoopla was going on. After placing a phone call to the only person I know (and possibly the only person anyone knows) who can call herself a Tori Spelling fan, I was just sort of watching the freak show unfold. So many people walking by asked me who the celebrity was, and they were way more excited to hear it was Tori Spelling than I thought they would be. Earlier in the evening, Russell Simmons popped out of the expensive hotel next door to the bar where the “premiere” was happening and sure, the paparazzi went nuts (well, and one passerby yelled “Take it all, Kimora!”) but people weren’t clamoring to get a look at him. Tori Spelling? Everyone was all, “Oh shit, I’ve GOT to see what she looks like in person.”

The back of the celebrity crowd is all smiles and anecdotes, and a surprising amount of goodwill. The overwhelming opinion was that Tori looked better than people expected. Besides the boobs.

My point is this: Tori Spelling just had a cameo in my life. All signs point to me actually turning into a Lifetime movie heroine. In no time at all I’m going to be sleuthing against the advice of a curmudgeonly detective and discovering all kinds of unsavory things about my friends and acquaintances.

And finding occasion to wear a silk robe. Everyone on Lifetime is always wearing a silk robe. That’ll rule.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you crazily cut your hair in front of a mirror crying I am going to be worried. -Kai

5:30 PM  
Blogger What'sHerFace said...

...but that's how I always cut my hair.

5:44 PM  
Anonymous anonymousmom said...

don't forget the mules.

slippers, dontchaknow

3:24 PM  

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