Monday, January 23, 2006

Witness the Kathy in her Natural Habitat...

I have a best friend named Brad. He's also my roommate. We've known each other for about five years and we've been very close for nearly that whole time.

We met while I was doing my laundry. He was on a first date with a guy who was then a very good friend of mine. Virtually the only thing I remember about our first meeting is the leopard print CD case he was carrying. Though Brad and the guy broke up (twiceish) we remained friends and found out we were pretty compatible, as people go. My social circle has rearranged itself countless times since we first met, but Brad has remained the constant through a whole lot of good times and quite a bit of bullshit. Whether I was laughing my butt off or sniffling in a corner, Brad has been there with a nacho cheese chalupa, a ninety-seven cent jug of Tampico, and his undivided attention.

Because we've ended up in a lot of the same locations and occupations, a few people in my past who don't know me very well (in particular, people who have met me because they were involved or wanted to be involved with Brad) have revealed they don't think I am my own person. This handful of people have said they see me as an extension of Brad at best and, at worst, as desperate and malleable.

I don't like these people.

I dislike these people a la Joan Crawford and the wire hangers.

It is in the spirit of educating this select group of people about my merits as an individual that I have put together a handy field guide to Brad/Kathy identification. Hopefully those who believe I don't posses my own character will print this out and keep it in their wallets for reference, lest they get an assful of my foot the next time they say something stupid.

Kathy's Guide to Brad/Kathy Differentiation

- When in doubt, search for a penis. Brad has one. I don't. He won't mind if you make a grab for the boys if it's all in the name of a proper identification.

- Brad is clean. I am messy. Brad has files. I have, on occasion, misplaced my bedroom floor.

- Brad is outgoing. I am not. If you are ever confused as to which of us is Brad and which of us is Kathy, drop us in a bar filled with strangers. I will pretend there is a reason I need to spend a really long time in the bathroom and then I will leave. There's a good chance Brad will come home at three in the morning with new phone numbers.

- I am a big, big nerd. Brad is very smart, but also cool. If you have any problem discerning nerdiness by our exteriors alone, check our bags. Brad's will be filled with CDs and flyers for the party he runs. Mine will have at least three books. And a journal. With a list of books I want to read in the front. The ones I've succeeded in reading will be crossed off. The journal will also contain lots of feelings. Brad is cooler than that.

- Brad is a very good musician whom you can hear on the radio. Though I have a passion for karaoke, my most successful musical endeavor to date was Another Combo Creation, the album my experimental two-year fourth and fifth grade class recorded. I had a one-line solo on "Heal the World."

- Say you've been hanging out with us for, like, hours, and you still can't figure out which is which, and it's far too late in the evening to ask us our names. Take us to a Wendy's drive-thru. Brad will ask for no tomatoes on his Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger without fail. I, on the other hand, enjoy the occasional tomato. Now you know who's who. Embarrassment averted!

- Brad's the one who likes A Diva's Christmas Carol.

- I just wanted everyone to know that Brad likes A Diva's Christmas Carol.

- Yeah, that one with Vanessa Williams.

- But I'm the one who genuinely likes that Lita Ford song "Kiss Me Deadly." This doesn't only differentiate me from Brad; it probably distinguishes me from all of humankind.

-Brad wants to be a party promoter and a musician. I want to be a fiction editor and possibly, secretly, a writer. Though we currently work in the same place, the only thing in common between what we're working toward is that we both want to get the hell up out of medical publishing. Geriatric gynecology is a subject that neither of us ever wants to give much thought to again, but I think that's a nearly universal desire.

-I'm the one with titties.

-Ditto for glasses.

-Brad will say it to your face. I will cry about it in my (messy, see above) room.

-And then put it on my blog.

8 Comments:

Anonymous andrea'sroomate said...

i think you are really hilarious/witty/scathing/etc. i quite enjoy your blog. the end [!]

12:22 AM  
Anonymous gabe said...

nerdy = cool, so there!

i enjoy your blog, too, but - as one might imagine - for different reasons than i enjoy brad's...

yeah!

1:41 AM  
Anonymous stupid boy said...

As someone who only knows the two of you from your blogs I'd have to say you seem very different. And until you moved into the apartment seemed to live in different states all the time. So no confusion here.

5:34 AM  
Blogger katy said...

- When in doubt, search for a penis. Brad has one. I don't. He won't mind if you make a grab for the boys if it's all in the name of a proper identification.

-I'm the one with titties.


And for identification purposes...?

You know just to make sure Brad isn't stuffing his bra to throw us off the scent...

I think this is the creepiest question I've ever asked.

9:10 AM  
Anonymous Rebecca said...

I'm now mad on your behalf that people think this of you. I met you through Brad, and I'm very clear on your differences (both the visible and the invisible), even though I don't know either of you that well. People suck. You rock.

10:45 AM  
Blogger What'sHerFace said...

I'm glad to see that most people get what I'm saying. It's really just, like, two really lame dudes (who I'm too much of a chicken to ever say anything to in person) who pissed me off recently. So I blogged about it. I'm the QUEEN of nerdy passive-aggression.

11:08 AM  
Anonymous Mike said...

Who has the more violent reaction to the term "Brathy"?

11:39 AM  
Anonymous anonymousmom said...

need i remind you -
Oh unavailable boy...
kids in america
100% pure love
ring my bell
guest vocals count... i know mine do.

probably doesn't mean much when an anonymous mom tells you that you rock, but you rock Kathy!

4:44 PM  

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