Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd:

Like everyone else in the world, I have one acquaintence who keeps in touch strictly through Myspace messages and Friendster blogs. The messageboard terrorist in my life manages to dredge up an old e-mail forward circa 1996 at least once a week--the kind of chain letter I remember getting as an AOLcaholic preadolescent from sixty or seventy of my closest friends. "Repost this!" the Fearsome Forwarder will beg me, now, eight years after the fact. "IT'S GOOD LUCK AND IF YOU SEND THIS TO FIFTEEN PEOPLE IN FIFTEEN MINUTES YOUR PHONE WILL RING AND IT WILL BE YOUR CRUSH AND HE WILL TELL YOU HE LOVES YOU IN FIFTEEN MINUTES SO SEND IT RIGHT NOW AND MICROSOFT WILL SEND YOU A CHECK FOR THIRTY-TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS I KNOW A GIRL WHO DID IT."

Actually, I don't begrudge the Re-poster her get rich quick schemes or straight up chain letters. There are those among us who err on the side of caution. Maybe one day she'll get knock on the door and open it to find her lifelong crush holding an armful of free iPods. How can I know for sure that a leukemia paitent won't get five cents for each e-mail address that receives her story?

There is one forward, though, one treacly, sickening forward that made me dry heave even when I was thirteen. If any old dog of a chain letter should've been taken out behind the barn and shot square between its big, pleading eyes, it was this one. The Re-Poster found it and threw it up on Myspace today, presumably as fast as her fingers could wipe the tears from her eyes and get back to typing.

Has anyone seen this before? The long, drawn out forward filled with lists of things like the reasons why guys love girls? It's the kind of thing I know in my heart of hearts was written by a girl. Not just a girl though--that particular species of girl that doesn't just want to have a little baby bunny rabbit, she actually wants to be a little baby bunny rabbit.

1. They will always smell good even if its just shampoo
Except when we go to the gym or go dancing or forget our Lady Speedstick. It can even happen to one of those charmed, rose-pits girls; perhaps one of her fawning male admirers buys her one too many Sex on the Beaches and she vomits on her oh-so-worth-it outfit (see number 7)? It ain't gonna smell like apple pie, folks. It happens. Girls do not always smell good, and any girl who tries to convince you otherwise is the kind of girl who has anxiety about her vagina, or something.

3. How cute they look when they sleep
Yeah. I'm adorable, snoring with my mouth wide open. You could mistake me for a Precious Moments figurine.

4. The ease in which they fit into our arms
Anxiety-about-vagina girl is also wants-to-wear-her-boyfriend's-clothes-to-make-her-feel-small girl. The rules of genetics dictate that the entirety of one gender does not fit snugly into the roomy arms of the other. However, if I could just be a little baby bunny...

6. How cute they are when they eat
Nothing more adorable than me with a mouthful of cheddarwurst and onions. Giggle, giggle, noxious waft of my breath, giggle.

7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end it makes it all worth while
Now I'm not claiming that I don't on occasion take a long time to get dressed, but I am far from the only person of any gender to do so. But, more importantly, I also make no claim that the prize of me in a decent outfit (which, when I can't decide what to wear, almost certainly ends up involving my brother's monster truck t-shirt) is a fair exchange for three hours of someone's time. But, after all, there is that there is no greater prize than having a hot girl around.

10. The way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she's the most beautiful thing on this earth
And that hot girl is meeee...riiiiight?

11. How cute they are when they argue
If anyone ever called me cute when I was arguing with them their family jewels would be my new earrings. "Girls are cute when they argue" is not a valid reason to love anyone. It is a reason to punch someone until your fist bleeds.

21. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt
Good thing it won't hurt 'em! I'm such a silly, cute girl.

25. The way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt her anymore..... Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that you would die without them ... it matters not. Because once in your life, whatever they were to the world they become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes, traveling to the depths of their souls and you say a million things without trace of a sound, you know that your own life is inevitable consumed within the rhythmic beatings of her very heart. We love them for a million reasons, No paper would do it justice. It is a thing not of the mind but of the heart. A feeling. Only felt.

The way that, according to this list, girls are adorable because they are small and quiet and get upset at stupid things but look fabulous while they do it...yet regardless if you have ever mastered punctuation...it matters not. Because once a chain letter as quietly misogynistic as this one starts making the rounds, eight thousand eleven year old girls are going to think that this is what they should endeavor to be. When you read this bile, traveling to the very end of asinine list that feels a million idiotic items long, you know that your own lunch was inevitably consumed only to be lost down the front of your very shirt. I can't effin' stand this list for a million reasons. No paper would do it justice. It is a thing not of the heart, but pulled out of someone's ass. A piece of crap.

Only pooped.

2 Comments:

Blogger katy said...

I'm with you all the way! Why not have number 43. The way the slutty ones put out in the back of Mom's Camry.

Honestly the girls who lapped this up in middle school (which is where I first encountered it) are the same girls who are now pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen (and probably divorced) reading Fabio-romance novels. It's not tragic that there is a stereo-type, you're right, it's tragic that some women aspire to it.

But then again, some women still aspire to being that ball-busting, shoulder pad wearing biatch too. Who is to say what's worse?

4:03 PM  
Anonymous anonymousmom said...

yeah, for crissakes - what did i say a million years ago???

she's so cute when she overreacts to puling, whining, girly-girl freakin' stereotypical bull-shite!!!

and ya'll think i'm crazy (or a bitch)

3:50 PM  

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