Monday, September 26, 2005

A Very Rigid Search

I went to bed on Friday night in the same bedroom I've occupied since I was in third grade with little hope that I would be laying my head to rest anywhere else anytime soon. I went to bed last night with keys to my new place in my jacket pocket, a couch and loveseat and fancy bed trucking their way here from Sweden (via Elizabeth, New Jersey) and the knowledge that this is, once and for all, the last Monday morning I will ever begin by hopping on the 6:46 express.

Brad and I signed our lease on Saturday after successfully stealing our new apartment from a couple of kids who weren't employed, but instead had someone sufficiently under their thumb to cough up hundreds and hundreds of rent dollars each month. The lease signing went smoothly enough; with my luck, any major event with fewer than five big disappointments is a success. We found out we are not allowed to paint (landlord: "What, you don't like the color?"), we're not allowed to have any candles in the apartment (landlord: "You mind if I smoke in here?"), and there is a reason we're paying much less than we should for the place isn't the giant graveyard(landlord: "You know that's a federal prison across the street, right?").

Whatever. Brad has suggested we keep a small stash of hacksaws by the door in case of a prison break--aiding and abetting perhaps, but when a couple thousand manacled inmates come running towards your house, you'd also think the best plan would be to help them flee your doorstep at the highest possible speed.

I think the hacksaws might come in handy should something go awry with our other neighbors as well. I hear you have to separate the heads, right?

I think it'll be exciting living at the crossroads of every action-adventure and horror movie. Either way I'll probably be sleeping with the lights on, but the leading men in either genre tend to be pretty easy on the eyes so maybe this isn't such a cross to bear. Unless I get stuck in a Nicholas Cage movie, in which case I want my money back.

Mainly it's just such a relief to have everything settled. It's been impossible to think about anything besides where I'm going to live, never mind write anything coherent. So, I apologize for my half-hearted blogging in the last month or so, and promise a return to form in the next couple of days. I can finally throw out the six-thousand pages of printed Craigslist apartment ads, delete the real estate brokers from my phone, work on junking all of my crap, and finally bring you the absurdly long piece on Donald Trump I've been meaning to write for like, seriously, a month and a half.

Until next Saturday keep all of your appendages crossed that nothing goes wrong. Psychically transmit me vigilance in throwing out my entire childhood.

And most importantly, do not go see Everything Is Illuminated. This has absolutely nothing to do with moving. It was just that lousy.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good news - do you really think that an escaped convict is gonna want to hang around the prison? He's gonna want to get the hell away as fast and far as possible. You should have little to worry about. Just don't pick up hitchhikers.

4:41 PM  

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