Cell Block DeLay
[Tom DeLay lays in his bed in a silk kimono. His hair is askew. The blinds are drawn. He smashes an empty champaign flute against a wall as he begins to sing the following to the tune of "Behind These Hazel Eyes."]
Seems like just yesterday
I was a-fundraisin'...
I used make a call
And then I'd rake it in...
My mouth was sealed so tight,
And everything, it felt so ri-iiight.
Like nothing could go wrong...
[Congressman DeLay gets up, runs to the window with newfound urgency, throws the curtains aside, and addresses the world that has betrayed him so cruelly.]
Now I can't leeeave
My home cit-yyyyyy
Or else they'll shoooot me dead
["Bum bum bum bum bum!" he pounds on the wall.]
Here I am!
I looook like a scrotum!
A hundred-thousand bucks
To the Gee
A jury's gonna send me right to jail!
I'll have to poop in a pail.
[DeLay walks dejectedly through his living room, clutching the kimono to his hairy bosom.]
All I did was take a check.
I mean, seriously, what the heee-eee-eeeck?
Those liberals do it all the time!
Not to mee-ntion...
AND THOSE QUEEEEE-E-EEE-EEEEE-EEERS!
[softly, once more]
And those quee-ers.
["BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM," go his feet as he runs toward his front door. He throws it open and collapses on his front lawn.]
Here I am!
I'm still all scroty!
On the lawn...
Like a gnome...
I'm looking quite at home.
That's not the point!
I'm screwed for sure!
I'm gonna wind up Lil' Kim's third string bitch!
(note: shut up, it doesn't matter if it rhymes)
[Face down in the grass, all fetal as a bus of school-children laugh. In a moment of supreme melodrama, he croons]
Damn my maze of lies...