Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Cell Block DeLay

Upon hearing the news that House Majority Leader Tom ("Scrot") DeLay had been indicted on criminal conspiracy charges, I couldn't help but wonder what was running through is mind. Turns out, in my head, he's a big Kelly Clarkson fan.

[Tom DeLay lays in his bed in a silk kimono. His hair is askew. The blinds are drawn. He smashes an empty champaign flute against a wall as he begins to sing the following to the tune of "Behind These Hazel Eyes."]

Seems like just yesterday
I was a-fundraisin'...
I used make a call
And then I'd rake it in...

My mouth was sealed so tight,
And everything, it felt so ri-iiight.
Un-indictable,
Like nothing could go wrong...

[Congressman DeLay gets up, runs to the window with newfound urgency, throws the curtains aside, and addresses the world that has betrayed him so cruelly.]

Now I can't leeeave
My home cit-yyyyyy
Or else they'll shoooot me dead

["Bum bum bum bum bum!" he pounds on the wall.]

Here I am!
Tom DeLay!
I looook like a scrotum!

I'll deny
I supplied
A hundred-thousand bucks

To the Gee
Oooo-oh Pee...
A jury's gonna send me right to jail!
[softly, weeping]
I'll have to poop in a pail.

[DeLay walks dejectedly through his living room, clutching the kimono to his hairy bosom.]

All I did was take a check.
I mean, seriously, what the heee-eee-eeeck?
Those liberals do it all the time!
Not to mee-ntion...
Those PRO-CHOOOOOICERS...
AND THOSE QUEEEEE-E-EEE-EEEEE-EEERS!

[softly, once more]
And those quee-ers.

["BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM," go his feet as he runs toward his front door. He throws it open and collapses on his front lawn.]

Here I am!
Once again!
I'm still all scroty!

On the lawn...
Like a gnome...
I'm looking quite at home.

That's not the point!
I'm screwed for sure!
I'm gonna wind up Lil' Kim's third string bitch!
(note: shut up, it doesn't matter if it rhymes)

[Face down in the grass, all fetal as a bus of school-children laugh. In a moment of supreme melodrama, he croons]

Damn my maze of lies...

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