Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Revenge of the Craigslist Personals (Pt. 3ish)

Here they are, the cream of today's crop, the very best of Craigslist male-for-female personal ad headlines:

Surrender to Randomness!
Skittles! The Magna Carta! Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony! Dagwood and Blondie! O Randomness, to thee I doff my cap.

hustle-bustle, twiddle-pops, WHERE did i put those bright green MOPS?!
You know, sir, if you were willing to bat for the other team, I have a certain fan of randomness you might really hit it off with.

Longing to FEEL!
Paraplegic seeks sensation in lower limbs.

IS THERE ONE REAL WOMAN Attractive, Sexy with A HEART ON Long Island
I don't know about anyone else, but this lady's got A HEART-ON for YOU, buddy.

YOUR EXPECTATIONS Are To High So We Remain ALONE
The rumors are true. The common adage says the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, but this guy is employing the little known fact that a woman can't resist being told she is aiming "to" high, and should instead shoot for the middle-aged and grammatically challenged. And probably smelly.

What Color Is The Sky In Your World?
Is it blue? Is it a giant dome of delicate robin's egg? Is it a brilliant cerulean at noon? Is it a lapis lazuli at twilight? You better enjoy it now, whatever it is, because all you're gonna be seeing if you answer this ad is the trunk of my car and then a whole lotta black.

embarassed that i love fat chicks
Easter season is a permaboner for this SWM who just can't get enough rotund newborn poultry! I jerk off to Peeps! I'm so ashamed! ISO woman willing to wear chicken suit and cluck.

GUY LOOKING FOR AN Asian girl for Dancing@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
That's what they'll put in his obituary, anyway--the poor guy clearly died at the keyboard and landed on the @.

Handsome Businessman Needs Oral...You're turned on by Idea and Need $
You like this idea...you're very turned on...your job is unfulfilling and you can't make your rent this month...you love to give blow jobs...you're getting very sleepy...

Beginner runner AND a silly-billy?
Schmoopy-woopy seeks wittwe girly-pants of his dweams to smooch and cuddle till she can't help but pukey-wukey on his adult-sized footie pajamas.

Want a thong?
That's right, to get a little metaphorical, ladies, this box of crappy cereal comes with an undie prize! Date me, wedge cotton up your butt for free! You love thongs! You're getting very sleepy!

Vodka Lover
Seeks black eye lover.

Do you LOVE Harry Potter?
I mean, heh, a lot of people love Harry Potter. But do you...love Harry Potter? I mean, like...whoo! This is awkward...but, ahem...SUCK MY BROOMSTICK! PLEASE!

I'm in the mood for SUSHI!
Really? That's so funny, because I'm totally in the mood for innuendo!

And finally, my favorite, which needs little commentary:

\/ REJUVINATING VAGINAL MASSAGE THERAPY \/

I'm willing to bet that massage is hands-free.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Mike said...

I really do love these Craigslist's posts, but at least there is a slight glimmer of romance (however obscure) in the listings. Have you ever looked at the male for male posts? Skeevy is not quite the word, but I don't think there is a better one.

"Want to have some fun?" and "Wanna meet?" have slightly different meanings in similar, yet different, contexts.

Mmmmm, bitterness.

3:47 PM  
Blogger What'sHerFace said...

The skeevy men-for-women have a whole seperate category: the magic words here are "casual encounters." Check out that semen-crusted lovefest.

6:06 PM  

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