Tuesday, June 14, 2005

NY Post-al Service

Yeah, so the verdict's in and Jacko's a free man. What is there to say that hasn't been said by every pundit, "fundit," late night talk show host, news anchor, magazine writer, blogger, and water-cooler-kibbitzer? Nothin'.

Gawker astutely pointed out that the New York Post and the New York Daily News, to their extreme horror, used the same tacky headline this morning. This is a rare stalemate in their ongoing battle for punniest newspaper. Both front pages screamed BOY, OH BOY! with an accompanying photo of the King of Pop's Head of Plastic.

Gawker went on to compose a list of alternative, scathing Jackson puns that could've been used in lieu of the tastefully reserved "boy" line. I prefer to take this one step further.

Who knows which celeb is next in line for their moment in court? Solicit the wrong hooker, snort the wrong powder and any one of our A-, B-, C-, or (dare I even dream it?) D-list celebrities could be next before a jury of his (much less fabulous, but whatever...) peers. I've taken the liberty of composing a list of anticipatory headlines for the New York Post, should the press suddenly find any of the following celebrities Jacksonianly escaping criminal conviction.

DODGING THE BULL-BRIT!
Britney beats shoplifting charges.

FREE-K AT LAST!
Jocelyn "The Cat Lady" Wildenstein's overturned assault charge.

BOURNE FREE!
Matt Damon beats public urnination charges.

NOT GUIL-T!
Jury does not convict eighties icon of fraud.

BALED OUT!
Batman star found innocent of reckless endagerment.

INNO-FITTY-CENT!
Hip hop star declared "Not Guilty" of bank robbery.

VER-DICK? NOT GUILTY!
Jury says comedian Andy Dick did not expose privates.

NOT EVEN JAIL!
Rock group Interpol beats counterfeiting charge!

DMX-ONERATED!
Rapper defeats parking tickets.

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

DMX-onerated? Thanks a lot, now I need some "Oops, I Crapped My Pants."
-Clare

1:56 PM  
Anonymous mombi said...

is there anything "private" about andy dick?

i would think "murder" would be 50 cent's charge - to augment his gangsta pretensions

i'm racking my brain, can't come up with nothin'. that's why you have a blog, and i just read it.

3:23 PM  
Blogger Kunaxa said...

Jury acquitTED Turner for owning the shittiest company/ Scam hole, ever, in the whole wide world.

4:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you to CultureShocked for inspiring my "MC's guilt 'Too Legit to Ac-Quit'" headline.
-Clare

5:54 PM  
Blogger Kunaxa said...

haha
I like yours better!

7:05 PM  
Anonymous brad said...

Famous Amos: One Tough Cookie...
Red-headed singer/songwriter beats cell mates after being imprisoned for killing the mood.

Bottoms Up for Linda Perry-Yay!...
Pop radio songwriting maven loses high-end water endorsement campaign to Diane Warren when dirrty truth comes out about her communist past. Publication agrees with outcome.

5:54 AM  

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