Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Me and Dubya, Sittin' in a Tree

A couple of months back, I took the opportunity to respond to our President's State of the Union address on my blog. It's rare that one actually finds themselves with Bush face time (or, y'know, Bush blank stare time) to do that kind of thing in person, so blogging my responses seemed like a close second.

Last night GW Prez addressed the nation once again, this time about the war in Iraq. I didn't see the speech on TV but the Times was kind enough to provide me with a complete transcript. The following is the fictional conversation that would ensue were I able to respond directly to sections of President Bush's speech to the nation.

BUSH: I am pleased to visit Fort Bragg, home of the airborne and special operations forces. It's an honor to speak before you tonight.
YOURS TRULY: Well, it's been a while, George. Where've you been? I mean, besides the Social Security Ozzfest tour, or whatever it was you were doing. You seem chipper.

The troops here and across the world are fighting a global war on terror. The war reached our shores on September 11, 2001.
You don't waste even a second, do you? When I was little, my family had a "cursing jar," and you had to put in a nickel every time you called someone a butthead, or a fartsmeller, or, in my dad's case, a colorful combination of Italian profanity. Congress should make one of those for you. Every time you drop the 9/11 bomb, you cough up a grand into the jar.

The terrorists who attacked us and the terrorists we face murder in the name of a totalitarian ideology that hates freedom, rejects tolerance and despises all dissent.
Need we bring up your "town hall" meetings again? If anyone despises dissent, I think it might be the dude who rigs every press conference with fake right-wing reporters to pitch the easy ones right at him. Just sayin'.

The work in Iraq is difficult and it is dangerous. Like most Americans, I see the images of violence and bloodshed. Every picture is horrifying, and the suffering is real. Amid all this violence, I know Americans ask the question: Is the sacrifice worth it?
We do indeed. We ask this all the time. In fact, polls show that not only are most of us asking this question, many of us have decided that it's not worth it. So please, seriously, justify the loss of thousands of lives, because I'd love to understand why we're fighting a war in a country that did not attack us.

It is worth it.
Oh. 'kay. That clears it up. Thanks.

Some wonder whether Iraq is a central front in the war on terror. Among the terrorists, there is no debate.
"...which is the way I like it. No debate."

Here are the words of Osama bin Laden: This third world war is raging in Iraq. The whole world is watching this war. He says it will end in victory and glory or misery and humiliation.
"Heh. That Osama bin Laden is a real smart feller. I often turn to his words of wisdom in times of personal...what? Whazzat? He's not? That's not him? Who is that fortune cookie guy, then? Confu...aw, whatever."

The lesson of this experience is clear: The terrorists can kill the innocent, but they cannot stop the advance of freedom.
"Do you hear me, terrorists? You can kill aaaall the innocents you want."

One year ago today, we restored sovereignty to the Iraqi people. In January 2005, more than 8 million Iraqi men and women voted in elections that were free and fair and took time on -- and took place on time.
ER-ROR. ER-ROR. SYNTAX ER-ROR. Abort. Retry. Fail. ER-ROR.

We continued our efforts to help them rebuild their country. Rebuilding a country after three decades of tyranny is hard, and rebuilding while at war is even harder.
You don't have to convince us, George. Rebuilding after eight years of tyranny right here is gonna be a bitch.

Our progress has been uneven, but progress is being made. We are improving roads and schools and health clinics.
Man, Iraq sounds totally sweet! I wish they were improving our roads and schools and health clinics!

The progress in the past year has been significant, and we have a clear path forward.
Well, mostly clear. Once you get all the bodies and shrapnel and rubble and bits of flesh and twisted metal and skeletons of cars and crying mothers out of the way, it'll be totally clear.

We've learned that Iraqis are courageous and that they need additional skills.
"...I have also learned that Iraqis do not think that Towelie jokes are funny, and that they cannot, in fact, speak to monkeys."

Some contend that we should set a deadline for withdrawing U.S. forces. Let me explain why that would be a serious mistake...It would send the wrong signal to our troops, who need to know that we are serious about completing the mission they are risking their lives to achieve.
Don't want 'em sprinting for the finish line on one stumpy leg, huh Dubsy? Everyone knows that troops are much happier and much more serious about a mission when there is no prospect in sight that they will ever see their families again.

We will stay in Iraq as long as we are needed and not a day longer.
To infinity....and beyond! Haaaah, oh, but seriously folks...what is up with VCRs? They are so hard to program!

As we determine the right force level, our troops can know that I will continue to be guided by the advice that matters: the sober judgment of our military leaders.
As opposed to the coke-binge machismo of our president.

Under the regime of Saddam Hussein, the Shia and Kurds were brutally oppressed and the vast majority of Sunni Arabs were also denied their basic rights while senior regime officials enjoyed the privileges of unchecked power.
George, is that--wha--are you drooling?

Before our coalition liberated Iraq, Libya was secretly pursuing nuclear--
NUKE-LEE-AR.

--weapons. Today the leader of Libya has given up his chemical and nuclear
NUKE! LEE! AR!

--weapons programs.
It's been like FIVE YEARS! I think you're doing this on purpose.

Our strategy to defend ourselves and spread freedom is working. The rise of freedom in this vital region will eliminate the conditions that feed radicalism and ideologies of murder and make our nation safer.
Just so you know, George, your "freedom" count is at thirteen.

But Americans have always held firm, because we have always believed in certain truths. We know that if evil is not confronted, it gains in strength and audacity and returns to strike us again. We know that when the work is hard, the proper response is not retreat, it is courage.
Well, y'know, except for the South. And Vietnam. And environmentalism, and No Child Left Behind, and switching to the metric system.

We live in freedom because every generation has produced patriots willing to serve a cause greater than themselves. Those who serve today are taking their rightful place among the greatest generations that have worn our nation's uniform.
"...in hundreds of gay pornos."

Achoo.
May God bless you all.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Andrea said...

what I learned here is that if you rearrange the letters in "smart feller" just a little bit, it says "fart smeller" again. And that could have come in handy back in thrid grade. This has been a public service announcement. for 8-yr-olds.

2:24 PM  
Anonymous Your favorite little brother, the one that isn't Mike said...

We had a cursing jar? I feel robbed.

3:42 PM  
Anonymous mombi said...

favorite little brother... start cursing away with no impugnity!

i failed to watch george, i was cranky enough that it was so freakin' hot... anyway i trust you kathy to tell me what he really said. did he drop "axis of evil" from his lexicon, or did i just miss it? how about "we will persevere?" or "we will prevail?"

every time i do watch george i wish i could swear like that dog in the snidely whiplash cartoon...

1:27 PM  

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