Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Happy Birthday to Brad

1.
Brad likes tiny things.
Here are twenty-three haiku,
'cause they're real tiny.

2.
Heartworm pills for Zeke.
The wallpaper slowly peels.
Brad's dog is gassy.

3.
When one's mother sends
Out one's packages for them,
They are well insured.

4.
Meaning your damn gift
Cost me an arm and a leg
Just to send to you.

5.
Now I'm missing limbs.
If it gets me out of work:
I'll take it. For real.

6.
Back to your birthday.
That's what these poems are about,
Or supposed to be.

7.
You are twenty-three.
You are now a prime number.
(Last time was nineteen.)

8.
Next comes twenty-four,
Which is two dozen, which is
Plenty of donuts.

9.
Twenty-two was lame,
For the most part. But maybe
I'm just projecting.

10.
[Here's where I would be
Halfway to the end if you
Were turning twenty.]

11.
You have four new tires.
Get Grandma Barb to buy you
Some hot friggin' rims.

12.
Drive around Euclid
With your rims, and your dance-rock.
Oh, the dissonance.

13.
Or better, drive here.
Sell your body on the street,
For a studio.

14.
Finkel is Einhorn.
In turn, Einhorn is Finkel.
I hate you so much.

15.
The phrase "Happy Birth-
Day" is not conducive to
Good haiku making.

16.
The coolest people
Were all born on the 15s.
Me, you...other schmos...

17.
A few days ago
I had Birthday Cake ice cream.
Seriously good.

18.
If you were eighteen,
I could stop right here and then
You could go buy porn.

19.
Whatever. I know
You are such a porno freak.
Steamers galore. Ew.

20.
Remember that time
You put porn in everything
I owned? You still suck.

21.
Remember that time
You woke me up for Willow?
God, you really suck.

22.
I am almost done.
Soon it's back to printing out
Informatics texts.

23.
Happy Birthday, Brad.
[Oh, wait. That works. I'm stupid.]
Go blow some candles.*


*Didn't have enough syllables for "out." But, you know, then I thought that maybe it'd be a fun alternative to the same old birthday same old.

9 Comments:

Blogger DMo said...

No. 19 may be my favorite.
"Steamers galore. Ew."

That shit's just hot.

2:46 PM  
Blogger What'sHerFace said...

Hah! Best comment ever!

2:49 PM  
Blogger Kunaxa said...

Wow, I did not know
You were counting syllables
Now I re-a-lize.

You are very good
Were you an English major?
"Sana Hilwa", Brad.

6:05 PM  
Blogger What'sHerFace said...

Creative Writing.
That was my college major.
Now I'm filthy rich.

8:04 AM  
Blogger DMo said...

Weird, because the money is rolling in on my journalism degree, too.

(If by "money" we mean little recognition and various unpaid bills.)

9:13 AM  
Blogger What'sHerFace said...

You mean that's not what money is? What? WHAT?

9:22 AM  
Anonymous i'm 23 now. said...

WHEEEEEEEE

10:21 AM  
Blogger What'sHerFace said...

So, you want a friggin' medal?

Congratulations.

10:43 AM  
Blogger Kunaxa said...

Is anyone rich?
Besides Lawyers and Doctors
And Paris Hilton.

And K Federline
But that ain't really his loot
So it might not count.

If my dad reads this:
"You should have been a doctor"
Did I not tell you?

How long will this last?
You opened pandora's box
and now, I'm obsessed.

Kathy, please help me
Stop speaking in Haiku form
I sound like a loon

5:47 PM  

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