Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Yeah I'm FREEEE

It's nearly lunchtime and I've passed the time between work assignments today by compulsively refreshing my FedEx tracking page. My Weezer tickets were sent to me overnight express and, aside from the fact that it's fascinating how I can see exactly where my package has been (somehow Evanston, Illinois makes a good stopover between Phoenix, Arizona and my sweaty little hands), I'm still a little worried that they won't get here in time. I've comissioned my brother to sleep on the couch today instead of sleeping upstairs so he can sign for the package when it arrives.

The day you have to pay your sibling to sleep well into the afternoon in a slightly different location is the day you know the world is going right to hell. In a handbasket.

I'm trying not to dwell on the large-ish amount of money I spent on these tickets. It'll be worth every penny, but until I'm standing around, beer in hand, rocking out to "No One Else" like it's 1995, I can't help but lament the loss of my hard-earned dollars.

In order to make myself feel better, I decided once again to turn to my old friend CraigsList. In the For Sale section, which I usually skip in lieu of the more scandalous Missed Connections or Casual Encounters, I noticed the Free bulletin board. Eager to see what I could get by investing only a click (and perhaps my winning smile), I bit.

The good people of New York (read: crazies now fully uninhibited by the anonymity of the World Wide Web) have the following to offer:

- FREE AUTOGRAPH from VICTORIA'S SECRET MODEL
So, basically, a woman with boobs will sign her name! And it won't cost you a single red cent!

- men shoes size 8
The entire item description reads "great shoes."

- Stuff out on curb
Free! Everything on the curb is absolutely free! Come and git yer gravel, cigarette butts, earthworms, crushed Miller Lite boxes, rained-on advertising circulars, and squirrel entrails! It's all free! Just look down!

On Sunday, someone offered:
Small Tan HAMSTER!

But, sadly, on Monday all that was left of poor Mr. Sniffles was:
FREE HAMSTER STUFF!!

- FREE ADMISSION
"Okay...it was me. I peed in the coffee maker. I'm sorry."

- Packing peanuts anyone???
Nope, just happy to see you.

- 50 lbs. of sand
"Free. Please bring own transportation. Location: Jones Beach."

- fake coral for saltwater tank
Yeah, you think you'll make an impression with your fake coral you got off CraigsList, but lemme tell you, you cheapskate, we'll know.

We'll know.

- Bag of old porn on VHS
I swear to God, the ad goes on to state: "I'm ashamed to admit how much porn I have on VHS (about 30 or so tapes)."

We're not talking sandwich bag. We're not talking K-Mart bag. A whole Hefty garbage bag full of VHS porn? For free? This guy'll have 'em lined up around the block.

[Though there may be a significant emotional costs associated with having to travel to Long Island, let yourself in the front door with the key under the mat so you don't wake up his mom--who's elderly and napping during Dr. Phil, and just wants her son to be a good boy, you know, meet a nice girl, one with the gazongas that aren't so big like the ones on those girls on the posters she continually takes down and swears were destroyed in freak dusting accidents--and descending into his basement to collect your sticky bag full of booty.]

- 11 RECEIVING BLANKETS FOR NEWBORNS** MOST OF THEM ARE HARDLY EVEN USED
"Seriously, down here at the baby farm it's catch and release, catch and release. Barely a speck of placenta on this treasure trove of gently used receiving blankets."

And then there's my favorite, my very favorite, which I have not edited one word of:

- EXOTIC CHAMELEON BARTER
"Hi. Looking to swap my 1 year old Ambanja Chamelon (captive bred) housing lights and all for a Blackberry 7750."

So, money may not buy you love. However, if CraigsList proves anything, it's that money can, at the very least, buy hygiene, live pets, and that precious modicum of sanity between "thrifty" and "crazy hobo."

1 Comments:

Blogger Steve said...

That's funny stuff. The Craiglist for Orlando doesn't have much funny free stuff. Unless you count the free prayer screensaver.

4:51 PM  

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