Monday, March 07, 2005

Dirty Money: My Life in Crime

The reason I have a large, painful burn on my face is directly related to my stumbling upon a large amount of drug money this weekend.

The older of my younger brothers came home for Spring Break this past Friday night. Saturday morning, both my brothers were headed to the mall for no good reason besides getting out of the house. There was an album I wanted to pick up so I tagged along for the ride.

We got to the mall earlier than I've ever been there before. The stores were just rolling up their gates and the movie theater wasn't yet running its matinee show. My youngest younger brother had to pick up a new set of contact lenses, so we followed him onto the escalator towards LensCrafters.

Contrary to their future claims, my brothers both got on the escalator without a single glance towards the white envelope sitting at the foot of the first stair. I spotted it, noticed it looked a little thick, and picked it up.

I was almost to the second floor by the time I finished counting the money in the envelope. Seven hundred-dollar bills, four twenties, and a single, enigmatic dollar. I showed it to my brothers and started walking towards the mall office to turn it in. They hopped circles around me urgently muttering Kathy--wait, you gotta think about this---let's just stop and think about this for a second--if we split this three ways--wait! Kathy! Just think about this!

The mall office was empty, and in retrospect I'm glad it was. I briefly thought about handing it over to one of the mall security guards, but decided against it based on a broad and unfair judgement of the creepy mustache on the only guard in sight.

I put the money in my bag to think. My youngest brother went to get his contacts. My other brother and I went to the record store, where he erupted in an unpluggable flow of paranoid theories about where the money had come from, to whom it belonged, and how they would trace it back to him and break his kneecaps.

We decided to regroup in the pet store. Amidst the tropical fish, I placed a call to my house in the guise of looking for advice while secretly hoping for a parental benediction allowing me to keep the money guilt-free. No dice; they said to take it to the cops, which I basically already knew I should do.

After a quick stop so my youngest brother could pick up an Iced Fudge Ripple latte and my other brother could frantically text message me that we were being followed, we left the mall--at this point caving somewhat to the paranoia, given that I was carrying around almost a thousand dollars in cash-money that was not mine, even a little bit.

We booked it over to the police station, where my youngest brother accompanied me inside while the other sat in the car because he didn't want "to get involved with the cops." How he maintains delusions that virtually the entire free world--whether law-enforcing, -abiding, or -exploiting--has a hit out on him is beyond me.

I filed a report and, long story short, I get to keep the money if it goes unclaimed. [Note: does anyone know how long the wait is? The police didn't know, which makes me think that perhaps I should find out and follow-up.] The cops seemed to think it was drug money, though I can't imagine the situation would warrant exactly $781.00 in payment. [My brother: No, see, they WOULD put that much money in an envelope, to throw off the cops if they found it!]

I think the thing that really made me want to turn it in was the fear that it was someone's paycheck. $781.00 is almost two weeks worth of work for me, and if I cashed it and lost it--or, worse, if I was being paid under the table and had no recourse to get my money replaced--I would want to die. So, hopefully, if that's the case, whomever it was who lost the cash will think to call the police.

However, if it was a drug-dealer stupid enough to stage an elaborate transaction at the mall ["Yeah, I'd like um, you know, a kilo of...Orange Julius"] and then lose the profits, then them's the breaks, kiddo.

So, about this burn on my face.

This is the point at which I will stop telling the story if someone asks about it. If they choose to assume that the drug dealers found me and tortured me for my interference by grinding a cigarette into the delicate flesh of my visage, then so be it. I'm leaving them to assume.

Because, you know, they could just as easily assume the truth, which is that I celebrated my find by diving too early into a plate of microwaveable Totino's Pizza Rolls, the molten filling of which scalded my face.

It's not my fault if they think I was hit with a gun over and over until I told them what I did with the money and was forced to fight my way free with my hands cuffed behind my back.

Whichever. So long as they don't think it's herpes.

33 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Ok - I'm just figuring this whole thing out now. I have been 'replying' to that old skool 'crummy' post, and didn't realize that you do actually keep us in the loop more than I had thought.

My apologies. If you can though, go back and read my 'final word' in response to your FEB 23 'crummy post'.

God, I feel like such an Idiot. God, Just leave me alone...I'll do what I want, Okaaayyy???!

-N

3:11 PM  
Blogger What'sHerFace said...

You're forgiven, I SUPPOSE.

-Special K

3:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Uh Oh, You know what that means right?

What's 781 spelled backwards? ... that's right ...187 in the muthafuckin' house.

And as we all know from early 90's gangster rap ... that CAN'T be a good thing.

3:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

...and by the way, that gangsta' shit was posted by:

-N

3:58 PM  
Blogger What'sHerFace said...

Yes, but who are you, -N?

4:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Special K,

Have I provoked your interest? or are you creeped out by me? (please don't be) -- I'de tell you EVERYTHING about me that you wanna know... but that would be much too vulgar a display of power. How about a little Quid Pro Quo action ... ala Clarice & Hannibal. I'll start, I am 22 years old.

-N

4:08 PM  
Anonymous brad said...

N is for Nubbin.

5:03 PM  
Blogger What'sHerFace said...

So am I. Your turn.

-Kathy

6:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Capricorn. Industrial Designer. Live on the east coast. Ineligible to become President of the U.S.A. (No, I'm not a felon)... well, unless that Arnold Schwarzenegger law/re-constitution thing pans out ... Let us all pray!

You?

-N

7:00 PM  
Blogger JMH said...

I seem to remember a "saved by the bell" episode with an eerily similar plot.

7:30 PM  
Blogger What'sHerFace said...

Virgo. Editorial Assistant. Also live on the east coast (of the grand old U. S. of A). Technically eligible for the presidency, but I don't think any kind of authority, earthly or otherwise, would permit that to happen. This is fun. Ask me a tough one.

8:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Saved By the Bell? That's so 90's. In the words of the uncomparable Paris Hilton, That's Hot.

Special K, I feel pressured to keep the "Fun" coming -- I don't know, wanna get random? My favorite song is Smooth Operator - Sade, My 2nd Favorite song is Sinnerman - Nina Simone - I like Cheese, Chicken and Tequila (preferably with the worm and all)- I have some 'BEEF' with a certain telecommunications company called 'VERIZON'. I was obsessed with my disdain of them, but I've sought professional help for that, I'm better now (incase you're concerned)-- Really wanna live in Austin, TX or Miami, FL as a second choice.

Geez, all of a sudden this has turned into an eerily lame personal Ad. Ah heck, While I'm at it... I'm NOT selfish in bed. lol

-N

9:09 PM  
Anonymous brad said...

incomparable.

10:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What is this? ESL class? cut me some slack yo - I already done said that I ain't from 'round he'a.

Thanks for the correction though.

-N

10:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Totinos are excellent but deadly, indeed. I recommend cooking them in an oven if you have access to one. Makes the crust crispier. (I have more experience preparing pizza rolls than I like to admit.)

-Clare

11:14 PM  
Anonymous stupid boy said...

About the money you found, usually the law is that you get to claim it after a year and a day. it's a weird old time law. And if you salvage anything from the sea you get to keep half.

6:45 AM  
Blogger What'sHerFace said...

Mr. Boy -- thanks for the info. A year and a day is very poetic, and for the sake of personal poetry, I'll go along with it.

Ms. Spice Rack -- I'm never eating a pizza roll again. I had to wear liquid cover-up today. Do you know the last time I wore liquid cover-up? NEVER.

Mr. (Ms?) N -- My favorite song is, at the moment, NYC by Interpol. It is also my second favorite song, and all songs ranked thereafter. I enjoy bagels, veal, Red Stripe, and lemon bars. I have no problems with Sprint PCS.

Okay, so now:

-Do you got woman parts or man bits?

-Do I know you in real life?

Are

8:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Special K,

Good choice with the Red Stripe ...

I am a boy. That means I should have man bits (hopefully)... Lemme check...
Unfortunately, I don't believe we have ever met, which would mean you don't know me in 'real life' -- Yup, that would make me a TOTAL stranger.

I can't be the only total stranger on here? Am I? Do you personally know all your obsequious blog minions? ... That would make me feel a bit special.

Do you wear you watch on your right or left wrist? (This is a serious serious debate). I wear mine on my left.
Here's a doozy, maybe not embarrassing, but a bit awkward. One time, I was at a company dinner (old job), at a Chinese restaurant. We ended our meal and started opening our fortunes. Well, someone then mentioned the whole thing about adding 'IN BED' after your fortune. We each had to read our fortune out loud, and add "IN BED" at the end for shits and giggles. Well, go around, go around, come back around (most of them make sense). MY TURN ... (drumroll)... My fortune read "You are next in line for a promotion in your firm (In Bed)" ...Not only was my (man) boss there, but I was the butt of all jokes for the rest of the night. I became known as Mr. Sleephiswaytothetop.

Oh, America.

You? anything awkward/ embarrassing?

-N

9:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

9:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

9:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok.
a bit compulsive. I like to 'Click' more than once (a lot).

Sorry

-N

9:13 AM  
Blogger joslik said...

I'm not sure which is scarier: The thought of drug money and a scary pizza roll burn or reading through the comments from this post. Actually, it's probably the druggies smashing super-hot pizza rolls in my face while reading creepy anonymous postings about being "IN BED" that has got me all flustered.

Rock on K.

9:53 AM  
Blogger What'sHerFace said...

I don't wear a watch. I've tried a couple of times to be a watch-wearing adult, but it never pans out. First off, I can't really tell time--I also have a huge difficulty telling right from left, so maybe it's all attributable to a defect the "useful information and skills" lobe of my brain.

Connected to this issue, one of my embarassing moments came during one of my watch-wearing spells. A man stopped me on the street to ask the time, and, of course, I gave him completely the wrong time because I can't read a watch. He grabbed my wrist, looked at the watch himself, spit the real time at me, rolled his eyes, and ran off down the street.

It's unfair to be so cruel to the handicapped.

Where are you from, if not here?

10:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Special K said: Where are you from, if not here?

Do you mean Where Do I live? Where Was I born? or What citizenship do I hold?

You get to ask 2 of the 3 questions above. I will answer both. Choose wisely.

-N

10:08 AM  
Blogger What'sHerFace said...

I'll go with where you live, and where you're from.

And the a third seperate question, which is: Is industrial design so slow that you have enough time to read about MY boring job? Because it sounds more exciting than that--more exciting, at least, than editing health informatics textbooks.

10:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ha. You're good.

Philadelphia, PA.
I'm 'from' the largest (surface area) country in Africa. Do your research.

Industrial Design is not boring at all. Very exciting. I have time to pow-wow with you because I'm not at work. I'm out for a while due to some badly badly broken bones in my ankle, shin and leg. (let's hear a collective 'Awwwwww').

Are your friends over-protective? I'm not feeling the love. "Creeped out" seems to be the overwhelming emotion by all. BOO!

play nice peeps.

The anonymous,

-N

10:32 AM  
Blogger What'sHerFace said...

I'm not creeped out. And technically, now I know more about you than my other commenting (some solely electronic) friends. But I love you all equally, like so many chicks to a mama hen.

Gross.

Anyway, how'd you hurt your leg? Also, if early sixties cinema proves anything, a good way to pass chunks of broken-leg-time is to peer into the windows of other people's abodes using a telescope or binoculars, I can't remember which.

10:41 AM  
Blogger What'sHerFace said...

P.S., Ask Jeeves, my old standby, gives me conflicting answers. Jeeves claims that the Sudan is the largest country on the continent of Africa, but that Madagascar is technically larger, though an island.

10:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Definitely Binoculars.

Car accident. Well, Car Vs. Pedestrian. The Pedestrian lost. I suppose it could have been worse. I'll take a broken leg.

Did you hear that other bloggers?!?! She now knows more about ME, than YOU! Besides, I'm already giving her nicknames and shit. for real.

Jeeves is right. The Sudan is, and I'm pretty sure Madagascar is tiny (i think).

My legs hurts :(

-N

10:55 AM  
Anonymous brad said...

i'm not so much 'creeped out' as i am 'annoyed by anonymous people.' i'll say it: i don't like you. i have no reason not to like you. i just don't. i admit to being entirely overprotective of kathy, because she's one of about three people on the planet i give a shit about. and this turf war thing? several have pulled that in the past, and they're all dead now.

12:03 PM  
Blogger What'sHerFace said...

Aww, Brad, you're like the protective big brother I never had, or got to see in full drag, or make out with while drunk during our sophomore year of college. Awww.

12:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wait!!
YOU GUYS MADE OUT?!?!!?!?!?!
-PoMo A-Mo

9:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What the fuck are you talking about...

1:17 AM  

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