Wednesday, February 16, 2005

When I Grow Up / I'll Be Stable

I'm having a crisis about my career, in that I don't actually have one and I should probably get to work on getting one before I end up as a medical publisher for the rest of my whole, entire, miserable, cat-loving, kidney-transplant-picture-filing, peanut-butter-sandwich-at-my-desk-for-lunching life. I know I'm wasting my time when even my boss says, "Don't worry about not liking it here. I don't plan on retiring from here, and neither will you."

See, but here's the thing: my very expensive and eye-opening liberal arts education was worth the money in that during its course I acquired the ability write fifteen hundred words on a topic I have not read even a single syllable about, and cook virtually anything using only one of those dorm-specific very hot water taps. However, in terms of actual career preparation, I've kinda got zilch. And where does one go from zilch?

apparently, the answer is a resounding "grad school."

Not me, though. I'm none too thrilled with the idea of jumping into 17th grade. I may very well pursue some kind of fancy degree in the future, but at the moment I flinch at the prospect of ever having to write another paper or "discuss" another book about which the class's only common ground is having not read it in favor of drinking.

So, I'm not sure what to do. I have come up with a list of possible career paths, but each has its own set of complications.

1. E-bay model
Pros: Get to say "I'm a model" when I'm asked what I do. Get to work from home.
Cons: Clothes smell like mothballs. Not very lucrative. Head often cropped out of photograph.

2. Rock star
Pros: Get to say "Security, get this plebe outta here" when I'm asked what I do. Retirement benefits include VH1's "Where Are They Now?" as opposed to a crappy pension. Mind-blowing coolness.
Cons: Aversion to needles makes necessary bout with heroin addiction that much harder. Do not have a band. Cannot write songs.

3. Bartender
Pros: Liquor, liquor everywhere. Receive tips. Could revert to preferred nocturnal state.
Cons: Being a bartender.

Anyone have any other ideas? What should I be when I grow up (like, next week)?


Blogger JMH said...

How bout "professional blogger", the only real draw back is the lack of pay.

Have you completed your first novel yet?

Seriously, why not take JUNK to the next level? (the level that pays money?)

I'm afraid that pretty much exhausts all of my ideas. Sorry.

2:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Phone Psychic

Pros: requires little more than a phone line and an active imagination, along with the ability to make insane statements without laughing too hard.

Cons: must be able to deal with the kinds of people who call phone psychics.


3:31 PM  
Anonymous mombi said...

You can come over here, do some dog sitting, some bar hopping, some "junk" junk, some Brad amusing, just a "few" dishes, and write the great american novel when you have time.

Just a thought.

4:14 PM  
Anonymous Mike said...

Well, lesse...

Welder by Day/Dancer By Night
Pros: Legwarmers; described as a "Maniac"
Cons: Must enjoy getting splashed by water; a little too Flashdance-y

Audience Filler
Pros: Get to warm the seats for celebs and guest at televised Award Shows and Parties; Get paid 20 bucks to watch a day's worth of Who Wants to be a Millionaire tapings
Cons: May develop resentment towards those you are watching, particularly those who win $8,000 for knowing the words to "Toxic"

Just a couple of ideas. I'll keep ya posted if anything else comes up.

7:19 PM  

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