Friday, February 11, 2005

SWF says TGIF

I managed to pluck the one dirty sweater off a calf-high pile of clean, "spring fresh" laundry this morning. The one dirty white sweater, specifically. I doesn't matter how stain-free your jeans are or how crisp your button-down is when you've got tiny fooprints of Chinese food "brown sauce" [note: that is a disturbingly vague food name] across your right boob.

I have a feeling that's the way the rest of today is going to go. It's theoretically pay day, which is normally cause for a tiny dance in my seat, but I received two very threatening automated e-mails earlier this week from the I-Clock Robot telling me my time card had not been approved. I swear, if I don't get a paycheck, I'm gonna commit unspeakable acts against each and every member of payroll. Or, y'know, cry a little.

Just overheard one line of a phone conversation an editor is having, very loudly, in his office: "Is Unibrow freakin' out? Yeah, I like her, but she never cleans her glasses. Well, if she had a husband..."

Other than that, it's Friday. This week has been pretty much devoid of blog-worthy excitement, so I've decided to give you another installment of:

The Greatest Hits of CraigsList Personal Ad Headlines.

-Brilliant MWM for BBW for FWB/LTR
OMG! I'm the STR8 QT W 4 U, MWM. Lets GTG? A dinner 4 2? RSVP ASAP. NAACP. ASPCA. NAFTA? NATO Ok.

--Angel need to rescue me from my drug addiction
Do you think he can ride a bike? Because, you know, I would think his GIANT BALLS would get in the way.

--A Romantic Gent seeks that unique spark
That's funny, becuase this Bonnie Lass seeks a Kindred Soul. Shall we meet for a sherry and a rousing game of backgammon? Meet me at The Parlor, on the corner of 1835 and I Bet You're Into Renaissance Fairs.

--i would love some cocoa on this cold day
There's a Starbucks on every corner. Take some initiative.

--If your a SWEET PETITE the we need to MEET
If YOU'RE an OLD FART, I gotta DART. If you're secretly looking for a twelve-year old GIRL, I'm gonna HURL. If you don't get a DATE, you can always go see "Pooh's Heffalump Movie" and MASTURBATE.

--"OY, IT'S ALLMUST WAILIN' TIME'S DAY UND I DUN'T HAFF A VIFE!!!"
I'm shocked.

--Ladies, Let Me Work For You For FREE Tonight!!
'Cause usually, I charge like ten, fifteen bucks for ALL FOUR INCHES of this lovin'. If you're into bargains, you can't pass this shit up.

-Amber Alert
That's right. Nothing makes the ladies feel as amorous as the police code for an abducted child. Just think about him--one hand clamped over a blonde toddler's mouth, futilely tring to shift his van into third on a deserted back road. I know I'm hot.

--where is my cute Italian princess?
Italy?

--Fitness man
Seeks Exercise Girl for super-powered muscle love!

--Woman should be put up on a pedestal
..after being dipped in concrete. Then I put them in my "Garden of Earthly Delights," and pinch my nipples whilst fondling their hardened nether-regions.

--I couldn't have laid the cheese any harder than this !!!
Thaaaat's what that smell is.

--YOGA FOR VALENTINE'S DAY---GET HOT AND TWISTY
AND THEN GET LIGHTLY SALTED, AND THEN BE SOLD FOR ABOUT TWO DOLLARS ON THE STREET, AND THEN BE ENJOYED DIPPED IN MUSTARD.

8 Comments:

Anonymous Jason said...

I've been reading your blog for a couple of weeks now and I just have to say you are absolutely hilarious! Your entries make my day. Just wanted to say thanks.

1:39 PM  
Blogger What'sHerFace said...

Howdy! Mille mille grazie per i tuoi auguri.

How's that for remembering high school Italian?

1:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm not sure but i think you have sadly commited several acts of plagarism. I don't know what makes you think you can just go to a sight like craig's list and take the headlines from personal ads and use them for your own personal usage. This is disgraceful and should stop immeadialty. Legal action seems so unnecesarry don't you think

7:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, Kathy, stop this "immeadialty!" Ferma! (how do you say "litigious" in Italian? Although surely that person is joking.)

-Clare

11:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am not joking. The evil el presidente bush is about to chamge tort law so we all should get suing while the suing is good. your going down girly your going down hard.

11:21 PM  
Anonymous brad said...

kathy, you really have to stop using things for your own usage and start using them for mine.

2:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"el presidente bush"

That is Spanish. We're speaking Italian here. That Spanish mierda is right out.

"your going down girly your going down hard."

Does your mother tell you everything?

5:42 PM  
Anonymous Mike said...

Oh Kathy, if el presidente sues you, please please PLEASE try to get on People's Court or Judge Judy or something. It would be HYSTERICAL.


BTW, thanks for the valentine, it came at a time when I reallllly needed it.

~Mike

10:05 AM  

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