Thursday, February 03, 2005

Oh, George.

What follows is the theoretical conversation that would take place between me and President George "Nuke-yoo-ler" Bush if I could respond directly to selected sections from last night's State of the Union address.

Our generation has been blessed -- by the expansion of opportunity, by advances in medicine, by the security purchased by our parents' sacrifice. Now, as we see a little gray in the mirror -- or a lot of gray -- (laughter) -- and we watch our children moving into adulthood, we ask the question: What will be the state of their union? Members of Congress, the choices we make together will answer that question.
Hi, George? George? Over here. Hel-LO? I'm right here. You don't have to talk to my mom. Actually, she's watching the new episode of Project Runway so she can't hear you anyway. So, y'know, you can just talk to me.

My budget substantially reduces or eliminates more than 150 government programs that are not getting results, or duplicate current efforts, or do not fulfill essential priorities.
Gee golly, Dubya, a hunnert-fitty? Would you be so kind as to tell me even a few of your hundred and fifty completely useless programs? No, huh. Dick? Laura? Anyone? Is there a list somewhere that tells me which programs you're cutting? Because, to be honest, I kind of like some of them.

Justice is distorted, and our economy is held back by irresponsible class-actions and frivolous asbestos claims -- and I urge Congress to pass legal reforms this year. (Applause.)
Now I may be a bit naive here--and don't get me wrong, I am under fifty-five and I'm up past my bedtime watching TV for grown-ups--but I thought our economy was being held back by insane tax cuts, some of the worst unemployment levels in decades, and a growing deficit that began during your presidency. No? Okay. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it all boils down to the simple fact that I can't keep blaming "asbestos" for all my problems. But I know where ya live, George, and when I can't file my frivolous law suit against my middle school for the frivolous case of mesothelioma I will undoubtedly develop after frivolously attending grades 6-8 in a public school stuffed full of asbestos (and located under high-tension power lines!), I'm coming to your house to cough up blood all day.

Year after year, Americans are burdened by an archaic, incoherent federal tax code.
Actually, I'm feeling more burdened by having to finance my own retirement.

I have a message for every American who is 55 or older: Do not let anyone mislead you; for you, the Social Security system will not change in any way.
Great!

For younger workers...
Hey, hi! Great to see you finally noticed me over here! Now that you're paying attention, there's a couple of things I wanted to talk to you about, the most important of which is your absur--

...the Social Security system has serious problems that will grow worse with time.
Goddammit.

By the year 2042, the entire system would be exhausted and bankrupt.
George, don't think me out of line...but you're a huge fucking liar.

Our second great responsibility to our children and grandchildren is to honor and to pass along the values that sustain a free society.
Yeah, let's not talk about Social Security any more. But I agree with you on this one...this country was founded on the ideas of "freedom and justice for all," and with pioneers like Martin Luther King Jr. who fought so hard to win civil liberties for every citiz--

Because marriage is a sacred institution and the foundation of society, it should not be re-defined by activist judges. For the good of families, children, and society, I support a constitutional amendment to protect the institution of marriage.
Oh yeah, I forgot. Marriage is the foundation of our society, not equality. George, when you talk, do ever just think "Heh, I'm an asshole. But I'm STILL THE PRESIDENT, so you can SUCK my RED, WHITE and BLUE WEINER. Except if you're a homo." Because that's what I imagine you thinking. Correct me if I'm wrong.

To build a culture of life, we must also ensure that scientific advances always serve human dignity, not take advantage of some lives for the benefit of others. We should all be able to agree...on some clear standards. I will work with Congress to ensure that human embryos are not created for experimentation or grown for body parts, and that human life is never bought and sold as a commodity. (Applause.) America will continue to lead the world in medical research that is ambitious, aggressive, and always ethical.
This sounds like it works, you know, and makes everyone happy, 'cause the righties get to save the precious embryos and the lefties get to keep working their scientific voo-doo with the lines of stem cells you've already approved for research. But George, I know you don't read the papers, so I thought I might let you know that the only cells we're allowed to work with are tainted, so there ain't gonna be no ambitious, aggressive medical research unless you bend just a tad on this one.

The United States has no right, no desire, and no intention to impose our form of government on anyone else.
What? WHAT?! Jesus Christ almighty, DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF?!

Recently an Iraqi interpreter said to a reporter, "Tell America not to abandon us."
"...because we're in your shit too deep now to ever be able to get ourselves out, what with you destroying the infrastructure of the the country, and all."

Right now, Americans in uniform are serving at posts across the world, often taking great risks on my orders. We have given them training and equipment; and they have given us an example of idealism and character that makes every American proud.
That's funny, because remember that whole hub-bub about the military not having necessary supplies? I thought you were giving them nothing, and they were giving you their lives in return. Rummy? George? Hello? Remember when that soldier asked you guys why they had to pick through landfills to find scrap metal to armor their own trucks? Remember that? Maybe you can't hear me over the applause.

As Franklin Roosevelt once reminded Americans, "Each age is a dream that is dying, or one that is coming to birth."
You're seriously, SERIOUSLY gonna quote F.D.R. at me while ripping the New Deal to shreds? I hope you sleep well tonight.

Thank you, and may God bless America.
No, thank you George, and may God save us all.

6 Comments:

Blogger ErntsBloggo said...

From "What..." to "...all." Bravo. Mofoing bravo.

12:46 PM  
Blogger What'sHerFace said...

Well thank you kindly. But go here (http://www.bradwalsh.com/journal.htm) for what I was actually saying during the address...

12:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The pronunciations are my favorite part. This guy requires the invention of a new science: abnormal phonemics.

-Clare

1:36 PM  
Blogger What'sHerFace said...

Yeah, my favorite is "sosul security."

2:44 PM  
Blogger ErntsBloggo said...

If only we all got toosie rolls for badree reading are speeches.

3:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"her dead son's dog tag is stuck on the iräqi!"

4:36 PM  

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