Friday, February 04, 2005

It's Fun to Shoot Some People.

According to an article in this morning's New York Times, Marine Corps commandant Lt. Gen. James N. Mattis was quoted as stating, "Actually, it's a lot of fun to fight. You know, it's a hell of a hoot. It's fun to shoot some people. I'll be right upfront with you, I like brawling. You go into Afghanistan, you got guys who slap women around for five years because they didn't wear a veil. You know, guys like that ain't got no manhood left anyway. So it's a hell of a lot of fun to shoot them."

The United States government, reeling from the Abu Graib prisoner abuse scandal and eager to affirm their stance on fair wartime military practice, quickly reponded by "counseling him concerning his remarks," a harsh punishment which even I, a bleeding-heart liberal, feel was too strict. After all, according to Gen. Peter Pace, Lt. Gen. Mattis's three tours of Iraq and Afghanistan "...clearly show that he understands the value of proper leadership and the value of human life."

In fact, I find Mattis's leadership to be so proper that I am going to take my cue from him from now on. He's right. It is fun to shoot some people! I too like "brawling!" In fact, if anyone pisses me off in Grand Central this afternoon--especially guys who shove a young girl like me out of the way at the subway turnstiles--I'm opening fire. 'Cause, you know, guys like that ain't got no manhood left anyway, and obviously if they ain't got no manhood, they ain't got no right to, y'know, not be pumped fulla lead.

Of course, I understand that there will be repercussions for my actions. I, just like my hero Lt. Gen. James N. Mattis, am prepared to face a harsh three or four minute lecture. It's a hefty price to pay for spreading the freedom to walk through a turnstile unhindered by dickless cowards, but I'm willing to bear that cross. After the shootin'. Which is so fun!

Further delineating its stance on humane warfare, the White House has confirmed Alberto "Geneva Conventions, Schmeneva Conventions!" Gonzales as Attorney General. He was sworn in yesterday.

Please excuse this aside:

Dear Iraqi people,

Hi, my name's Kathy. I live here in the United States, and since I'm not sure if you get the New York Times over there, I thought it might be my responsibility to tell you to run for cover. Run. There's a guy who loves him some shootin', and then, if you get arrested, there's another guy who's gonna let them put underwear on your head and electrocute you. Run.

Good luck,
Kathy.

P.S. I have an extra room in my house and a couple of couches. If you guys can get a ride, I can put you up for a while.

Okay, that all said, I can move on (sort of). I joke, I jest, I kid about loving shooting and brawling, which [this is addressed to the Department of Homeland Security] I obviously dont, but the other day I did uncover my own secret attraction to violence--or rather, to its cosmetic affects.

Public Service Announcement to Eligible Bachelors: Kathy's number one turn-on is a fella with a black eye.

Recently I watched an average looking guy get on the 6 train. I gave him some points for having cool pants and good hair, as well as a gold star for wearing his sunglasses on the train, which I do (and assume everyone else does) only when I'm pretending that I'm an incognito movie star.

To my dismay, halfway through the ride he reached to take off his glasses. I was already stripping him of his theoretical awards when I noticed that he had been wearing the sunglasses to hide a big purple black eye. It wasn't gross and swollen shut or anything, just a bruise like he'd been in a fight.

I just about died from a sudden onset of Hugeasscrushonastrangeritis, and then realized I was disturbing myself. I am a (mostly) rational, (relatively) independent girl. Why the hell does a black eye make me want to jump on a boy I've just laid eyes on--not to mention willing to risk any number of skin conditions to do it with him on the subway floor? I have no answers.

But, I guess, I do likes me some brawlin'.

2 Comments:

Blogger JMH said...

I shot a man once.
I didn't think it was all that fun.
Not really.

3:28 PM  
Blogger ErntsBloggo said...

Obviously the black eyed Peon was a dude who would throw down to protect his lady so of course you wanted some black eyed Peon.

I call my dog Peon the B&#ches man, by the by.

Loved the article.

5:50 PM  

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