Thursday, February 10, 2005

How to Win Friends and Influence People

"Contributor's contribution" may be the worst penned phrase in the history of the Queen's English, but that doesn't change the fact that I have to go through a fourteen page contract and change all the lower-case c's to upper-case c's.

Instead of capitalizing, I'm on Friendster shopping for boys. In my opinion, Brad has recently hit the Friendster hot-guy lotto (for, like, millions), so I was once again inspired to peruse the gallery of electronically savvy twenty-somethings in my zip code. It's an undeniably sick phenomenon that we've all opted into a veritable Sears catalog for people, but that doesn't stop me from updating my profile every time a more flattering, more artistically blurry picture of me is taken.

What's funny about Friendster is that everyone's profile (in no way am I excepting mine from the rule) is almost exactly the same. For your convenience, I've distilled the thousands of profiles I've read today into the following, the blueprint to your Friendster Profile of Success:

[Note: Most importantly for Friendster success, you must have a picture of yourself looking away from the camera, swoopy bangs over one eye. Do not have anyone else take this picture. Your own tricep must be in the shot, by law.]

Gender: [fill in the blank]
Interested in meeting people for: Friends, Dating [Do not use the "Relationship" option! You will sound desperate and intense, and that ain't gonna hook you a winner. If you're gonna admit that you want a relationship, get thee to]
Status: Open Marriage [Ha! You are so ironic and funny!]
Age: 22
Location: Brooklyn, New York [Before Friendster, I was woefully unaware Brooklyn could house eighteen million lanky hipsters wasting a year between college and grad school by trying to start a band.]
Hometown: [fill in the blank with any location not in the five boroughs]
Occupation: Celebrity [They'll think you're fabulous! Also, you don't have an actual job. Alternate answers: Rock Star, Princess, Misanthrope. Do not use "Pirate." It's way too last year.]
Hobbies and Interests: Here is your formula for success in this field: 1 reference to drinking + 1 reference to going to shows/dancing at shows + 1 self-depricating reference a la "sitting on my ass" + one veiled gripe a la "languishing in my cubicle" + no more than 2 actual interests or hobbies = unbeatable coolness.
Favorite Books: Me Talk Pretty One Day, The Corrections, Franny and Zooey, Middlesex, Lolita, anything by Chuck Palahniuk. [Do not deviate from this list. You may include one additional book provided it is philosphy, and not written in English. Exceptions may be made for inclusion of one piece of children's literature. ONE.]
Favorite Movies: Amelie, Wet Hot American Summer, Requiem for a Dream, Napoleon Dynamite, Fight Club. [Again, just copy and paste those. You may add one lesser known indie flick (Gummo), and one classic (Breakfast at Tiffany's).]
Favorite Music: Le Tigre, the Arcade Fire, the Faint, Modest Mouse. [In addition to these four, you must add one cornerstone punk band (you may choose from the Ramones or the Sex Pistols), one hip-hop artist (choose from: Mos Def or Talib Kweli), and then include the name of your own band, ironically. You may also choose up to one art-music composer (Mahler or Philip Glass only).]
Favorite T.V. Shows: You don't watch TV. [You may make reference, though, to a show from your childhood, provided that it is (a)no longer on the air and (b) unavailable on DVD.]
About me: Another formula. 1 reference to a childhood quirk + 2 self-depricating remarks about your looks or intelligence + 1 reference to your completely boring life + 1 contradictory statement about regularly doing something most people don't get the chance to do + no more than one quote from a song or novel = everything your dream match needs to know about you.
Who I want to meet: Your mom. [Alternate answer: David Byrne.]

You'll have to fight 'em off with a stick, I promise.

Sometimes I forget why I'm feeling kind of melancholy, and then I remember that I'm listening to Mr. Interpol sing the word "cadaverous" over and over in my ear. Maybe this is why they don't encourage iPod usage at work.


Blogger ErntsBloggo said...

Knowing sure FIRE success when I see it, this morning I extrapulated above formula, entered a SURE FIRE BABE PRODUCER in (went with relationship), and now I have 18,382 dates in the next month, including one middle aged sugar momma who's gonna fly here from Japan just to listen to the Modest Mouse CD with me. Things are really gonna be heating up for me now. Thanks!

4:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you forgot to mention that putting "model" or "producer" are equally as hollow and "this could mean absolutely anything!" as "misanthrope." my hands smell like gärlic.

4:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I started reading your synthesis, I was going "Yeah Kathy! Rip 'em a new one." Then I read your list.

My new one hurts.


7:04 PM  
Blogger What'sHerFace said...

That's the profile is EXACTLY LIKE THAT. We're all such friggin' sheep. But baah, baby, baaah.

8:48 AM  

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