Friday, February 25, 2005

Go Drag a Bus.

For all those fearing whether or not I'd live through my war with the stomach flu, I am happy to inform you that I have left the battlefield victorius and mostly unscathed. I'm actually at work today; I probably should've stayed home another day, but I absolutely had to buy my March train pass so I dragged myself out of bed and through three inches of brand new snow to the station this morning. Once I was there it was difficult to justify not getting on the train.

Also, it's payday and there isn't much I won't suffer through to feel a check in my hot little hands.

I've had a bit of an internal debate about this, but I've decided that I'm going to tell a story that involves throwing up. I recognize puke is disgusting and not everyone wants to hear about it, but this particular situation was so funny it made me laugh mid-heave. Thus, I came to the conclusion that the following story has sufficient comedic merit to justify subjecting you to its inherent grossness. If you don't want to hear about puking, skip the next several paragraphs. Pretend I'm writing about having a tea party.

Wednesday I got to work with a really lousy headache. By the time I was leaving the office, I was starting to feel weirdly feverish. On the train, I was trying to strike up some bargain with God--good deeds for all mankind in exchange for not puking on public transportation. I drove home faster and swervier than I've ever driven, and spent the next 24 hours completely sick out of my mind.

Okay, here's where the real puke-related stuff comes in: I had been throwing up all night. Somewhere around 4:00 in the morning I began to feel a little bit better--but still too sick to be able to fall asleep. I turned on my TV in hopes of finding something to watch that would take my mind off of how miserable I felt. Of course, this being 4:00 in the morning, nearly every channel was showing a food-related infomercial. The last thing I was able to look at without my digestive system turning inside out was a rotisserie grill full of dripping chickens, or George Foreman draining the fat off six giant hamburgers.

The only safe thing I could find on TV was the ESPN StrongMan Challenge. I find myself accidentally watching this more frequently than one would expect, and I've grown to really dig the challenge where a competitor has to drag a bus 50 yards. It seemed like this was the safest, least disgusting, least food-related, least nauseating thing I could watch.

I saw the boulder-lifting competition and the anchor-pulling competition sans vomitus and, as Vasily began the safe-lifting competition, I began to feel like maybe I could actually fall asleep. In this particular challenge, two safes have been welded onto a pole, creating an uber-heavy dumbell for an uber-stupid body-builder to lift. The object of the competition is to complete the most safe-lifting repetitions in the least amount of time.

Vasily got off to a good start. I believe that nine repetitions was the number to beat, and he got up to five with no problem. Six was a real struggle.

On seven, his face turned bright red as he fought to heft the safes off the ground.

On the eighth repetition, he burst something in his head and blood exploded out of his nose.

Vomit, in turn, exploded out of my face.

Thank you, ESPN.

And that's the story of my lovely tea party. I've never had such an enjoyable cup of earl gray or such a delicious scone.

2 Comments:

Blogger Scott Connelly said...

Glad to read you're feeling better. A tea party is always the perfect way to celebrate.

10:23 PM  
Anonymous Mike said...

The first time I visited my friend Amanda in Chicago, we were taking the blue line from O'Hare and were catching up on old times. As we need a station, Amanda got a troubled look on her face. I woman in her mid-thirties suddenly mumbled "Oh God" and proceeded to vomit on the doors of the subway. We looked on in horror as the woman exited the car, until we realized that this was also our stop and we had to jump over the doorway.


Mmmm, Earl Grey sounds good rightaboutnow.

11:29 PM  

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