Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Girl, You Better Try To Have Fun No Matter What You Do (But He's A Fool)

First, a request:

For those of y'all who don't know, I've got this gig over at JUNK Magazine. Aside from contributing long pieces of prose ostensibly about something other than myself but never quite accomplishing the goal, I'm the resident advice columnist. As "Girlfriend Girl" (explanation in uno momento), I tackle the surliest of love (or any other topic, but frankly, nothing else has ever come up) pickles with an aplomb I would heartily applaud were it not my own.

No, really, it's for just for shits, but I need some love queries.

I would be most heartily appreciative if some of ya'll would submit a question. You can do it here, anonymously, or e-mail it to me if you prefer. Your identity will be taken to the grave.

It's fitting that Girlfriend Girl's advice column is coming due exactly when I was having a panic attack about being turned into Girlfriend Girl by the Hot Dad. Fie! Spite!

My fear is proving to have been premature, however. To explain: Girlfriend Girl is that girl that a straight guy appears to like and enjoys spending time with, but somewhere in their relationship she becomes his Vaginese translator. When his girlfriend says something indecipherably female? Ask Girlfriend Girl! When he can't figure out if she likes him or not? Ask Girlfriend Girl! "Hey, you know, you're one of the coolest girls I know...so, I figured I would, you know...maybe like, ask you...about that girl you work with. Is she single?"

This is fine if I don't like the guy. Yes, it's occasionally a little awkward to be the ambassador for my whole gender [In a general aside to every guy who's ever asked me why girls pee together: I don't know. I don't pee with other girls. I don't even believe that MOST girls pee with other girls. It concerns me that you're all so interested in our eliminatory functions. Please stop asking.], but most of the time I do an okay job.

When I do like the guy, though, this tends to be nothing short of heartbreaking. Not only do I end up having to talk about the girl he actually likes all the time, I find myself bound by loyalty and a (waning, I'll admit) sense of moral obligation to steer them towards amorous success.

Anyway, my advice column was entitled after the phenomenon because of the frequency with which I find myself in this role.

The other night on the train I was mightly a-feared that the Hot Dad was making me his Girlfriend Girl. I'd rather be That Girl He Doesn't Talk To rather than Girlfriend Girl, because I'm not even Girlfriend Girl, I'm WIFE Girl, which isn't even as aurally pleasing.

He's taken to telling me all the things he secretly eats in the middle of the night, while his wife is asleep.

(Are you ever just struck by how moronic your life is? How much utter stupidity is jam-packed into every second of your day, like so much nacho cheese into a Combo? That sentence did it for me.)

Anyway, yesterday's joint crossword effort in the small, two-person section was sufficiently heartening. No wifely mentions, no playing priest in his relationship confessionial, and lots of him leaning on me to see the puzzle. Not to mention that the bitch who shoved me the other day tried to offer him a ride home, to which he responded "Um, I walk on purpose." When he waved to me, she waved back at him, which was slightly tragic, but less so because I'm finally not the one waving the ever-so-slick assumptive wave.

I've decided that the next time anyone asks me if I like my job, I'm going to answer, "Well, it's more lucrative than selling my body on the street, but the emotional toll is remarkably similar."

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

or you can instead look them in the eye and say "i can't talk right now, me and my four silent 'friends' are off to clean out vivienne westwood in my galliano göwn."

4:47 PM  
Blogger JMH said...

Not really a love problem, but perhaps you could suggest some valentine ideas for the significant other that will make them feel super special while costing close to zero (for those of us on a - i'm broke - type budget).

5:48 PM  

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