Friday, January 14, 2005

Warning: Terrible Puns Ahead

Alternate Openings to Big Mama Thornton/Elvis Presley's Classic Song Hound Dog
by Katharine Maria Cacace and Bradley Superstar Walsh

-You ain't nothin' but a cockle shell...dryin' all the time.
-You ain't nothin' but a sexually frustrated, somewhat lecherous member of upper-management with a hot new assistant...implyin' all the time.
-You ain't nothin' but a seventeen-year-old druggie on the elementary school playground...supplyin' all the time.
-You ain't nothin' but a secretery who works for a boss who speaks very fast and must therefore use shorthand...scryin' all the time.
-You ain't nothin' but a factory worker at the Charmin plant...two-plyin' all the time.
-You ain't nothin' but a book I haven't read and don't have any idea about...River Kwain' all the time.
-You ain't nothin' but the lead singer of Kajagoogoo trying to revive his career...too-shy-too-shyin' all the time.
-You ain't nothin' but Jane Fonda during the entire Bush administration...publicly decryin' all the time.
-You ain't nothin' but an abusive alcoholic husband with a wife who just doesn't learn...black-eyein' all the time.
-You ain't nothin' but an incompetent computer nerd in 1985...abort? retry?in' all the time.

9 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have, on the advice of one J. buckley (the quasi-mojomonkey guy) been reading this blog, which he has a link to from his, and may I just say, outstanding. Always a pleasure to read, and this entry, little short of genius. Hot damn, the bar has been raised!

N

3:37 PM  
Blogger What'sHerFace said...

Well thank you, my enigmatically initialled friend. It's always a pleasure to get unsolicited admiration. It's nicer, though, to get unsolicited unmarked bills in the mail, so, if you get my drift...

3:42 PM  
Blogger Buckley said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6:23 PM  
Blogger Buckley said...

Kathy,

Your blog was considerable food for thought on my way home from college today. Allow me to share the fruits of it (polished with the aid of a dictionary) which begin with some Americo-centric puns and descend into a complete (but I think not uninteresting) corruption of your genre - but all of which I offer with affection and apology for my recent uncommunicativeness:

You ain't nothin but a guy who uses similes to describe how american things are... apple-pie-in' all the time

You ain't nothin but a trumped up reason to go to war... financial-gain underlyin all the time

You ain't nothin but a constant demonstration of the falsity of the official reasons for going to war... belyin' all the time

You ain't nothin but a descendant of the indigenous peoples of the Yucatan Peninsula... Mayan all the time.

You ain't nothin but a one-book-wonder Erica Jong... Fear-of-flyin' all the time.

You ain't nothin but a chinese terracota statue anorack... Warriors of Xian all the time.

You ain't nothin but a greenish blue subtractive primary colour... cyan all the time

You ain't nothing but a jesus impersonator... messiah-in' all the time

You ain't nothin but a person trying to open a package, untyin' all the twine.

You ain't nothin but a dubious ending to a superman movie... defyin' space and time.

You ain't nothin but a white fatty material, composed chiefly of lipids and lipoproteins, that encloses axons and nerve fibers... myelin on the spine.

And my personal favourite...

You ain't nothin but a fragrant, almost transparent brownish-yellow resinous liquid... chian turpentine.

Regards,
Buckles.

6:26 PM  
Blogger JMH said...

How bout....

You ain't nothin but a crow-bar...pryin' all the time

and this one is too easy, but i'll still throw it out there...

You ain't nothing but a corndog...fryin' all the time.

geeze i'm overmatched. i'll stop now.

jim

7:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The corndog one is great JMH.

It reminded me of a similar meat-sizzling one I had thought of: You ain't nothin but an advocate against the death-penalty... anti-fryin' all the time.

It's so hard to know the difference between a good one and a bad one. This type of thing works on so many levels... all them absurd but delightful

4:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You ain't nothin but the most liberal country in the United Arab Emirates... Dubai-in all the time

4:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

who knew there were this many people who had as little self respect as we do? -brad

12:29 PM  
Blogger What'sHerFace said...

Isn't it heartening?

12:35 PM  

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