Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Please, Mr. Postman

Yes, I may have watched a couple of Fox's specials on the paranormal, and yes, I do get up too early to really be evaluating the spiritual side of existence with any kind of authority, and yes, I'll admit, I did watch The Craft a few times in my adolescence, and yes, I do own a set of tarot cards and regularly read my horoscope, but bear with me when I say that I think there's something strange going on with the electromagnetic field surrounding my person, or else I've got a poltergiest in my hair somewhere.

I have people who can attest that any lightbulb in my presence suffers an immediate dip in life expectancy. My lamps go through lightbulbs like a Lifetime movie bulemic goes through the Sizzler buffet line. Recently this has extended to streetlights when I drive under them. At least once a day on my drive to work, in the dark, very much alone, a streetlight will mysteriously extinguish itself.

Not only lights today, but every electronic device I touch. My iPod froze today, in the middle of an Arcade Fire song, and even the Apple re-start directions wouldn't work for a while. My computer at work resets my network password at will. My phone is receiving mysterious calls from Washington D.C.

Am I haunted? Or, at least, extremely static electric?

Let's choose to believe I'm spiritually touched, because tonight is a full moon, the very first of 2005, I think. Kai and I are celebrating the occasion by fully embracing our inner thirteen-year-old Craft-watching pagans and writing some letters to the universe asking for all the stuff we want. Yes, I know it's metaphysical hooey, and yes, I know I sound like a hippie, and yes, I'll even admit that it's possibly the lamest thing ever to spend your Tuesday night in the car looking for a decent place to see the moon and write what amounts to a sappy diary entry, but bear with me when I say that it's worked in the past, though I'm not sure by what heavenly mechanism.

Sometimes you've just gotta throw caution, reason, the burden of a Catholic childhood, and Must-See Tuesday Night TV to the wind. And that time, folks, is this evenin'.

ADDENDUM: Y'all should post your letters to the universe here. The rules are simple: address a letter to the Universe, and ask very specifically for whatever it is your heart desires. I will, I swear, mail a present to the author of the very best letter left in my comments.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Universe,

Can you please give me the strength of mind and will of hand to abort everybody? Also, I'd like some new highball glasses and a case er two a Rolling Rock.

Love and Wire Hangers,
Bradley Thomas Walsh

4:09 PM  
Blogger Melina said...

Dear Universe, I would like Derek to fall in love with me. If that cannot be arranged can we have carnal knowledge of each other for a weekend. Yours most sincerely, Melina

8:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yo Universe! Whaddup, Holmes?

I want peace and salvation for all the peoples of the world. Wait, no, scratch that. If Jesus didn't get it, what are my odds.

Ok ok, lemme see. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, OH! I want an end to the mediocrity that is celebrated in our American society. I'm sure as the Universe, you found some time to see The Incredibles and you know the whole thing about "Graduating" from 4th grade to 5th grade? Yeah, get rid of that. Oh, and if you have any extra cosmos or something to throw my way, I would love a complete set of Yu-Gi-Oh cards or a successful audition tape for The Amazing RaceThanks Universe! Peace Out!


9:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Universe,

If you could see it fit to bestow me with tidings of breast reduction, that'd be superb. Also, I want Cool Runnings on DVD, with bonus features dammit.


PS: Please grant Brad's wish to abort everyone, because that would make me sheise my pants with glee.

9:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Letter to the Universe,
Please do not ever let me stop believin', EVER!
Steve Perry

10:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Universe,
Please send me back in time to be 13 again so I can watch The Craft and appreciate it the same way. Remind me to tape My So Called Life while I'm there. Also the other night in a bar an ornamental brass kettle fell from the ceiling onto our table and we all got free beer. So thanks for that Universe! I totally owe ya one.

Stupid boy.

4:58 AM  
Blogger ErntsBloggo said...

Dear Universe:

First, my dog Fletch would like me to never work another day in my life so I can always be with him and also grant me tons of energy so I never want to stop throwing the ball, running, petting him, loving him, etc. (as omnipresent, at the least, I'm sure you could interpret his looks better than me).

Second, please give Kathy a night of Hot Monkey Love with Hot Dad as that might sooth her electric frustrations, and by the by Kathy dear I used to short out 3.5" floppy disks in high school but then I started losing my hair and their went my magnetic field...

Third, I would like a magical Kiss wrapper that after I open it and eat the Kiss inside it closes back up and births another Kiss.

Fourth and finally, I would like to make the MOST out of my life and same for all the other bozos.

That is all, Santa, I mean Universe... wink, wink...

8:07 PM  

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