Friday, January 21, 2005

Breaking News

On the heels of finishing a letter I wrote about the many reasons I patronize Starbucks (reasons: nothing else to do in boring suburb), I received a call from Kai informing me that upon arriving at the local library she found three separate news crews setting up to report on a condition she could not readily discern. I was charged with the task of snooping the internet until I found out what was going down and expected to text message any conclusive results without delay.

Turns out someone tried to blow up the library.

Apparently the suburbs are boring, except for when they're violent and deadly.

And poorly planned, it seems. The culprit piled some wood under the gas meter, doused it in something flammable, and lit it ablaze. Had the fire actually reached the gasline it would've leveled the building. But, in a signature move of suburban malaise, the would-be arsonist left the fire unattended (possible motives: boredom? eagerness to watch the new Apprentice? had to be home before curfew or Dad would totally take away his Explorer for the whole weekend?) and a slight drizzle put it out.

People and books alike were left with their spines uninjured and wondering why anyone would want to blow a brand new library to smithereens. Is it those maddening nickel-a-day late fees? Damn the waiting list for The Da Vinci Code! Oooh, he's just not into you, you snotty, book-reading, SHHHHHshy bitches!

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