Thursday, December 30, 2004

Oh, Gwen.

What follows is the theoretical conversation that would take place between me and Gwen Stefani if I could respond directly to selected lyrics from the song Harajuku Girls off her new album, Love Angel Music Baby.

Ms. Stefani: Work it. Express it. Live it. Command your style.
Me: O--okay. I thought I was working it. I'll try harder next time, I promise.

Create it, design it. Now let me see you work it.
I'm supposed to sew my own clothes? Maybe that's why I'm not working it hard enough for you. Do you make your own clothes? If so, I'm impressed with your command of handicrafts.

Create it, design it. Now let me see you work it.
Yeah, I heard you.

You bring style and color all around the world.
Thanks! Oh, wait, you're talking to those Japanese girls. Nevermind.

You bring style and color all around the world.
Yeah, I--I got it.

You're looking so distinctive like DNA.

Like nothing I've ever seen in the USA.
We have DNA over here. I think you can see it with an electron microscope.

Your underground culture, visurar [sic] grammar...the rangage of your clothsing is somesing to encounter.
Gwen, are you impersonating a Japanese accent? Hasn't anyone told you that that's...well, maybe just a little bit racist? I know that you're a really big star and all, and I can respect that, but, I mean, "rangage"? Hey, you, the girls standing behind Gwen--aren't you just a little offended by this? I mean, back me up here. Hello? Can you hear me? I guess you're not gonna...well, maybe you're just shy.

A ping-pong match between Eastern and Western...
Well, Gwen, let's be honest here. It's not so much table-tennis-esque cultural volley going on as it is flagrant and upsetting appropriation on your part. I won't even bring up the potential human rights violation with the four...well, let's call them "indentured servants." But maybe you're just talking about ping-pong.

Did you see your inspiration in my latest collection?
I smell a commercial. Gwen, are you trying to sell me something? I thought we were going to make our own clothes. Wait a minute; is this whole Japanese thing just some kind of twisted out-sourcing? Are you making those four girls SEW too?

Just wait till you get your little hands on L-A-M-B!
I thought this was an ad. Also, LITTLE HANDS? Excuse me, Gwen, I'll be right back, I'm just...well, you wouldn't happen to have the number for the ACLU, would you?

Becase it's SUPER-KAWA-II!

That means "super-cute" in Japanese.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

fück yöu, räcist bïtch.

6:23 PM  
Blogger JMH said...

Instant Classic.

Oh and the above is why you shouldn't allow "anonymous" comments.

10:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Really? I thought the above was either
1) a really funny joke, or
2) a reason not for disallowing anonymous comments, but rather for involuntary sterilization.

10:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Guys, guys, it's okay. JimHenry, sir, that was my friend way up thar. Clare, Jim, you can both love me equally.

10:43 AM  
Blogger JMH said...

Great, I'll calm down now. Much love coming your way.

10:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Option #1 (which I thought was 75% likely) wins! The other 25% was due to the possibility of some of the complete morons I know in real life being on the internet with nothing to do. I love everybody.

2:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

brad says: "kathy's a racist; she'll kick a kurd and eat a turd." bumper stickers and pins are in the near fütüre.

10:32 PM  

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