Monday, December 06, 2004

Christmas Shopping Guide

In the tradition of last year's contribution to the Christmas JUNK issue, I've put together a new list of holiday gift-giving ideas for those hard to shop for loved ones. If the Christmas season has got you dizzy with holiday cheer, don't despair! Follow my simple suggestions to make anyone's Christmas a little brighter with that unique, perfect gift.

For your boyfriend (hetero):
-Something you knit yourself. Can't knit well? Baby booties are so simple.
-a more beautiful girlfriend through constant excercise, starvation, and purging, because he deserves it and I'm so ugly, god, when did I get so fat, I don't deserve to EAT and I don't care if I do ruin all the enamel on my teeth I'm going to puke until he loves me again and stops fuc-
-New tits.

For your boyfriend (homo):
-Closeted teen drama star chained to bed-post.
-Access to your half of the Express for Men collection.
-New tits.

For your little brother:
-Playgirl magazine subscription, sent directly to his college mailbox.
-Swift smack upside the head, for old times sake.
-An intervention.

For Mom:
-Half the money you made off selling her Vicodin, in a nice card.
-The dedication of your next pole dance.
-The rest of this bagel.

For Grandma:
-Casket pillow, with card promising that when you "hit the big money," she'll get the "whole Cadillac."
-"Agita"
-Hermit crabs, nature's shut-ins.

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