Tuesday, November 30, 2004

You PAID FOR IT!!

The local Fox news station never ceases to amaze me. I'm beginning to suspect that it's run by Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget. I can see him, shadowy and menacing in some gargantuan leather chair, secretly piloting the hard-hearted public's attention toward his You Paid For It!! segment, his ultimate brainwash, the final step in his evil plan for complete domination through indoctrination. No, for real, driving home from work in the last week or so, I've heard commercials for these segments:

You PAID FOR IT!! Rock n' roll...you may love it, you may hate it. But either way, they're TEACHING it in our SCHOOLS! And...you PAID FOR IT!!

First of all, is this 1962? Did I miss the big vinyl bonfire in the town square? Are they really, actually trying to incite people to action based on their hatred of rock and roll? Is that a term people even use anymore? And what do you mean, they're "teaching" rock and roll? Are you suuure you didn't just watch that Jack Black movie? Cause I think you might be confusing journalism with HBO-on-Demand and bad taste in film. I would also like to point out that the You PAID FOR IT!! part is sung over a Whitesnake-worthy squealing guitar riff. But we have to stop that rock n' roll nonsense! If you listen to it you'll go blind and if you play the Evanesence album backwards it'll make you Jewish!

You PAID FOR IT!! The homeless...sexual predators...put up in MOTELS to get them off the street! And guess what? You PAID FOR IT!!

By the partition postulate or some such theorem, I think Fox News would have us believe that our tax dollars are permitting homeless people, all of whom are sexual predators, to shack up with the minor of their choice at the Hilton. Maybe even with a Hilton. If this is indeed the case, I'm enraged that my money is being spent in such a disgraceful fashion. I do have an inkling, though, that this report is probably about the city of New York paying for homeless people in dire need of a place to stay to sleep in a motel for a few nights, presumably because shelters are crammed beyond capacity. Call me crazy, but I'll throw a few bucks at that idea. As for labeling every homeless person a sex offender: shut up. Seriously, shut up.

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