Monday, November 22, 2004

An Open Letter to the Universe

Dear Universe,

Why don't you lay off my friend, huh? Yes, we all get it. The alpha and the omega, infinitely expanding and all-encompassing, yada yada yada. Gotcha. It's very impressive. But isn't shoveling a whole bunch of new shit onto a kid already up to his knees a whole lot like challenging the proverbial asthmatic grade-school classmate to a race? We know you're going to win. You've already got the advantage. So can't you please, just for a minute, give it a rest?

If it's just some kind of compulsive urge you're indulging here, I've included a list of things you could give in excess to my friend instead of stress and hardship:

Mashed potatoes - Very seasonal; an excellent option.
Pennies - They are annoying. If you've got some cosmic vendetta to work out, you could just innundate him with our most useless currency. I'm sure he'd even be a good citizen and roll them in those wrapper things.
Frequent Flier Miles - I bet he wouldn't even cash them in. You could just pile them up in an account somewhere, to mature or whatever they do, and then take them all back and exchange them for a trip to Atlantic City some weekend. Maybe you're just cranky because you need a vacation.
Beans in a jar - Self-explanatory.
Sharpies - You've been doing this for years anyway. Multiplying the Sharpies his desk drawer ten-fold every two months is as mystifying as it is impressive. Plus, it's an almost Christ-like reference to the whole water-into-wine deal; as literary references go, you can't get much cooler than that. A good option to consider.

I could brainstorm a couple more if you don't really dig any of those But, yeah, so, no more bullshit for my friend, right? Deal? Deal.



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