Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Oh Lord, won'tcha buy me...

I've already told this story to both of the people who read this thing, but I believe it bears repeating. Plus, I secretly hold out hope that there is a silent mass of people who read this, breathlessly refreshing the page in hopes that I've posted something new, enraptured by the honey-sweet words that flow from my fingertips. That, and it's another no-boss Tuesday and I'm unabashedly going to post all day long and read the Onion, so I might as well keep typing.

Anyway, the story goes like this: I'm walking to the 6 yesterday after work. All the Spring cross-streets are tiny little cobblestone goat-paths, so it's really tough to negotiate them when you have a big vehicle and there lots of parked cars. I'm walking somewhere around Crosby, where a line of cars is waiting to make a left onto Spring. A big old SUV turns, but has to slow down because another car is trying to parallel park. The brand new black Mercedes behind the SUV makes a quick, stupid left and smashes right into its back bumper.

Here's where it gets great: with a noise something like a giant snap-up winter coat being undone, the SUV very slowly and deliberately starts driving away, knowing full well he is tearing off the Mercedes's bumper as he goes. Bumper still dangling, he takes off down the street. The Mercedes rockets after the SUV and catches up to it at the next light. Mr. Mercedes gets out of his car and starts screaming "YOU JUST RIPPED THE BUMPER OFF A NINETY-THOUSAND DOLLAR CAR, YOU FUCKING MORON!!" to which the SUV guy just kind of snickers and says, "Yeah, uh, I didn't see it."

I just managed to nearly brain myself with a large binder clip. It was out of control and smashed me right in the middle of the forehead, which now has a weird welt on it. I can see it in the reflection on my monitor. This will be the most exciting thing to happen to me all day.

I think chimera is one of the most disgusting words in the English language.

I take it back; the most exciting thing to happen to me all day is currently happening, which is that the crazy, crazy receptionist has just decided that I work in the Journal Fulfillment department, and has begun directing something like 5 calls a minute to my desk. Which I "accidentally" hang up on. The last time I had any kind of extended interaction with the receptionist, I was waiting to ask her if I had any faxes while she was giving some kind of deposition over the phone about how the "crazy lady" in her apartment building had called the cops on her again for "no reason."


Blogger Sean said...

That's it! No fight? You'd figure the guy driving the Mercedes knew the SUV guy had an idea what he was doing, to which end I'd anticipate a punch being thrown... no? Anyhoot, your minions await your nextest post. Refresh... refresh... refresh... whoa-es-me.

3:35 PM  
Blogger What'sHerFace said...

Not even a shove, man, not even a shove. New Yorkers let me down on a daily basis. In other news, I can't believe there's someone I don't know who read this...it's utterly shocking, but has thrown a wrench into the machine of boredom that passes as my career.

3:51 PM  

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